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 Totally Confused And Waiting..., Rubber Banding or Wanting Out?
06/23/11 11:45 AM
Post #5

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He is apparently under a great deal of stress, overwhelmed with things. By taking
up so much of his time you became another chore he had to do each day.

You need to create a life now that is so full you don't miss him. Do this for yourself
and for him, if he comes back.
06/23/11 11:51 AM
Post #6


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I know that's what your fear is, but it's because you have a woman's brain. A woman wants connection. Usually All The Time connection. Men aren't wired that way.

I have no idea what's going through his brain, but if he's just needing time apart, then time apart will fix it. If he's on his way out slowly and this is his chickens*** way of doing it, then being apart won't change anything. However, you chasing him down the street (metaphorically speaking) DEFINITELY won't change anything. It'll only make it worse.

Grace happens.
06/23/11 12:44 PM
Post #7

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JR is spot on that by giving him space, you are not hurting anything and it will not change the outcome if he's already halfway out the door. If a man told me he needed space after not seeing me for two weeks, I'd give him all the space in the world.

A relationship should be about 10% of your life. Continue to stay busy and see what shakes out on the other side. Six months is still a relatively new relationship and talking 5 times a day is entirely too much IMO. No man can keep up with that pace and the pace of writing poem, sending flowers, etc, for long. A man starts to worry about keeping up the pace, and wonders if he can keep a V happy with living his normal life. All men come on strong in the beginning, that's why we need to put on the breaks (aka, let a day or two go between contact).

Men need alone time to rebuild testosterone to combat stress. Time and talking with their V diminishes testosterone. By giving him space, you are not only helping him to find his longing for you (if he has it), but you are also helping him to decompress.

With that being said, this is a time to evaluate whether or not you have been getting your own needs met. Do you like that he says he will call and he doesn't? Do you like the way he handles stress (i.e. that he doesn't see you for 2 weeks)? Do you like how he is treating you and how he makes you feel? Turn the focus back on you and your needs. I don't think it's unreasonable to want a guy who is your boyfriend to see you more than once every 2 weeks.

You two live 45 minutes apart and do not see each other during the week--aside from tapering down the phone communication, I'm not quite sure how much more space he can possibly need. He does sound busy and stressed, but stress is an ongoing thing. If he's going back to school and has job related stress, this will be a stress load that he carries for months to years. He is perhaps not in a place to be in a relationship right now, feeling unsettled in his life. He is also showing you that this is how he handles stress and how a partner handles stress is part of compatibility. There's no right or wrong here, it's about what works for you.

The one time my M "needed space", it took him 2 days to see me (surprise visit) and 4 days to tell me why he "needed space". When he was laid off on his job, he said he'd see me on our date night (2 days away). I am all about letting someone "be', but don't lose your needs in the process. Not every man needs weeks and months of space when they are under stress.

Sending stress free vibes your way! I know it's tough (my ex M need a lot of "space"). xo

Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.
06/23/11 01:02 PM
Post #8

AMVU Freshman

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Thank you so much Jessicarabbit and AnnaKarenina. All your advice gives me a lot of peace.

I guess I'm hung up on the time frame. Reading the M/V books, I know I should leave him alone, and receive him warmly (what I tried to do on Monday), and let him set the pace. But the uncertainty at this point is making me nuts. I do have a very full life and have also been spending extra time at church and in prayer, but even with that, my heart is still aching and missing him terribly.

When this all started I said if he wanted to break up, we could just end it and no hard feelings, but he said no, he didn't want to break up, that he just wanted time to himself for a while.

I'm trying to remember that and take him at his word since he has always been honest with me, respectful and considerate. That is, until all this started. But even then, it wasn't with a fight, all very civilized. I guess if it's over, he'd let me know, right?

Anyone have any idea how long do these withdrawal/rubber banding periods can last?
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