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 Totally Confused And Waiting..., Rubber Banding or Wanting Out?
06/23/11 09:40 AM
Post #1

AMVU Freshman

Gender: Venusian
Group: Registered Users
Posts: 103
Joined: 06/23/11
Relationship Status: Not Telling

Here's the situation: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months-- a pretty perfect relationship, no fights, no disagreements, perfect harmony, great chemistry, physical intimacy, and an all-around great time. We got together because he actively pursued me for about a month before our first date. He was very romantic-- writing me poems and bringing me roses frequently. We settled into a great, promising, relationship, spending every weekend together at my place, and had a routine of speaking on the phone about 5 times a day from the drive to work in the morning till about an hour talking until we both fell asleep at night (we didn't see each other during the week usually because we live about 45 minutes apart). We openly referred to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, which he initiated first. I felt really great about things. I thought he was The One.

Out of NOWHERE about 3 weeks ago he tells me: "I feel different, I feel strange, I feel that I should miss you more than I do. Let's take some space." I said we needed to see each other (we hadn't in about 2 weeks), but he said that would be "forcing" it. I became frantic but tried to keep cool. I asked if he had any complaints or concerns about our relationship, if I'd pressured him in any way, and he said NO, that our relationship is great, he's been very happy, just that he feels overwhelmed and needs space. So we didn't speak for 3 days (I was suffering), then he starts texting and finally calls and apologizes for what he said, says he misses me very much, but reiterates that he needs some space, to think, as I occupy all his free time and mental space (he actually said that), and there is no other woman, he just needs time alone with himself.

*A few facts: I am 34 and he is 38, divorced 8 years, and has 2 kids ages 14 and 9, who live in his home country. I have never been married and have no children. He has had many financial pressures lately, job stresses (started an exhausting new job that he hates, and is trying to find something better), is also in school in the evenings), and has much more stress than I do as I am pretty successful at my career, work from home, and am much more financially stable, though money has never come up as an issue between us (I'm very low-maintenance). I understand he has a far more complicated life than I do and have always been supportive, and respect that he needs time to deal with many practical concerns. But I don't see why he needs to push me away. I also see that we were extremely involved in each other's lives those first 5 months and it's sort of an impossible standard to maintain so many we needed to readjust the excessive phone calls, etc. So I tried to be patient and give him his time without being a needy nag.

It happened that I already had a trip planned and was out of town for the next 2 weeks. Normally when I travel we speak just as often, but this time we spoke on the phone only once (I called him), and texted a few times, while I noticed his tone had become very distant. I came back from my trip and texted him I was home. He called me (sounding distant) and I said I'd like to see him but he said he didn't think it was possible since it was Father's Day and he was going to his relatives's place. He never called back till Monday when he happened to be working in my area and said we could see each other briefly if it was OK with me. I went, tried to be warm, not hostile or hurt, and when we saw each other we were both grinning and fell right into each other's arms kissing and hugging for 15 minutes straight till he had to go back to work. He was like a new man-- or I should say the old man I knew and loved, he seemed to come alive again! He called me a half an hour later to tell me how great it was to see me and he wished he could have had more time with me, and he sounded so happy and giddy. He said: I will call you later or tomorrow. I (mistakenly) said: Call me later if you can. The result is that he has NOT called or texted me again since, and I am totally perplexed.

I have no idea what the hell is happening!! Is he still taking his space? How long is this going to last? I've been reading my Mars/Venus books and have restrained myself from calling or texting him but this wall of silence is absolutely killing me. What do I do? What does it mean? Is this just the beginning of the end, and is he really trying to ease his way out of the relationship or is this a natural part of "rubber banding" or "uncertainty" or the "cave"? I really thought we were back on track after that beautiful sweet encounter on Monday but I guess I was wrong. I don't want to be a fool here, running on false hope. I do love him and want to be with him and pray this is just a phase, but I am too old for this kind of torture. Help please!!
06/23/11 10:47 AM
Post #2


Group: Peer Moderator
Posts: 16751
Joined: 11/18/05
Relationship Status: Single and Looking

Delfina, people come here all the time, hoping we can read tea leaves or something and tell them what's going on with the other person. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing. At best, we can only give some options.

Men taking space is a good thing, unless is a precursor to walking away. We have no idea if that's on his mind or night. Men will think about you more often when they're not around you, so a day or two off here and there is good.

Doing it all the time or getting further and further apart without telling you what's up isn't OK.

What I would suggest for the time being is that you get busy with your own life - hobbies, church, friends, family, volunteering, whatever you need to do so you aren't sitting around and waiting on him. I know it's hard, but it's best. The more OK you are with him taking breaks, the more likely he isn't breaking away.

Eventually, if nothing changes, you guys will have to have a talk as to what's going on. Chances are, at this stage, he doesn't know himself. So I'd leave him alone.

Best of luck.

Grace happens.
06/23/11 11:21 AM
Post #3

AMVU Senior

Gender: Venusian
Group: Registered Users
Posts: 4604
Joined: 09/28/06
From: california

The only thing you can do is leave him alone. Completely.

Often, for whatever reason, a man will be thinking whether or not he wants to
continue with a relationship and is withdrawing to think it over. It is at that
precise moment that women will also complain that their "needs are not being
met" after which the man will say, "I don't think I can make you happy" and that
is the end of it all.

Men fall in love with us and stay in love with us when they are not with us. Remember

Whether you were with him or not, you were taking up way too much of his time. Talking
on the phone for several hours a day is way too much even if he willingly went along with it.

06/23/11 11:39 AM
Post #4

AMVU Freshman

Gender: Venusian
Group: Registered Users
Posts: 103
Joined: 06/23/11
Relationship Status: Not Telling

Thanks so much for your insight. I can't tell you how much it helps.

I know now that we spoke too much. It was just hard to change since he was the one calling me all the time, and of course, because I work from home, I have the luxury of interrupting my work to chat with him whenever I wanted. If we do get another chance, I will certainly do things differently.

While waiting for a sign from him, I have been keeping busy working, working out, talking with family, friends, shopping. But time passes very slowly without him.

I guess that's what I'm most worried about: Do we have a chance?
I worry that this time apart and distance is only making him more used to life without me. I am also very shaken by the fact that when we saw each other on Monday, it felt like a romantic reunion, and now....silence.
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