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i've been dating my bf for six months. we moved very slowly and just recently (about a month ago) started calling each other bf and gf. he introduced me that way at a social and it set the pace of the relationship. we don't have a close, verbal communication line between us and i don't really have a reason why. i know that he likes to let things develop naturally (his friend told me this) and that is fine with me because i'm in no rush.
last week i noticed he was less affectionate around me and as the days passed he was more withdrawn. he got sick last wednesday and asked me to stay with him. he wasn't feeling well so there was no affection or conversation. maybe i should have done more than just be there...i don't know. but after that he didn't call for two days, no text, no email. i attempted contact and got a reply about eight hours later. it's very obvious to me that he is pulling away but i don't know if is because of me or not. i haven't chased him or bombarded him with text, email, or calls...just one every few days. his response is nothing as it was when he was pursuing me so i have decided to just step back and focus on myself. that doesn't make it any easier to not think about him all the time but it helps a little.
i called him last night to say hi and he returned my call a few hours later because he was at the gym. he asked me when i'm free this week and to let him know so we can get together. i'm going to hold off from giving a response until at least tomorrow. i don't want to 'punish' him but i don't want him to think i'm here at his every convenience. so i decided to make some time later in the week to see him and stay low until then. i'm doing this because he sent out a message (unspoken, through actions... or a lack thereof) that he wanted to be alone. so that's what i'm giving him. i think that by doing this it will give him some time to miss me and then put forth some effort to get my attention again. is this a healthy way to deal with all of this? and when can i bring it up in conversation? i don't want to jump into in when we first see each other but i don't want too much time to pass so that he learns it's okay to act the way he did without any notice.

ama

Hi all,

Hope you are all well.

To recap, I've been with my M for over 1 1/2 years, things are going pretty well.

My M is a great guy, though he's not the most "gentlemanly" of men (as in opening the car door for me, opening doors for me to go through first, etc). Though I like these traits in a man, they haven't been his strong points and I can live with that if it never becomes habit. He has so many other great qualities and is very sweet in other ways, plus the last guy I dated who opened the doors for me all the time also ended up kicking his dog (YIKES!!!), so those "gentlemanly" habits do not always indicate a kind and civilized individual.

When my guy DOES open the door and such for me, I always praise him and tell him how much I appreciate it. I do not say anything when he doesn't do those things and I haven't talked with him about it before. I think he does it when he is immediately thinking about it and sometimes he forgets. My method is just to praise/encourage him when he does behave "gentlemanly".

Anyway, over the past weekend, we had 3 occasions that called for us to be very dressed up (a wedding, a concert and his mother's 75th bday party). On all those occasions, I wore heels, which I don't walk in as quickly as flatter shoes (and my M does not normally see me in heels).

So, at the first event, as we are walking down the street, my PDA-shy guy (he does not like to hold hands in public or as we walk) ends up about 20 paces ahead of me. I called out to him and let him know that I was unable to walk that fast in heels and asked if he would wait and walk with me. He slowed down a little but then picked up speed again. I had to ask him several times to slow down (on multiple days) in each walking situation. I even playfully suggested that he could hold my hand and help me along, but that didn't seem to encourage him. After repeatedly asking him to slow down, I eventually gave up and figured I'd get there when I got there and he could just stand and wait for me, which he did.

The whole scenario irritated me and made me feel neglected, but I really didn't want to get into any discussions about it at those times due to the back to back timing of the events and the fact that I was/am PMS-ing.

Yesterday at the birthday party (3rd event), he opened my car door for me which I praised as being quite gentlemanly. His response surpised me a bit because he said "Good. Now maybe I won't get any more demerits."

??? That was just NOT the response I was expecting, nor was this typically a thing he would say. For the record, my M is a good and caring guy (though not very verbally affectionate - he is one of those who shows his feelings through actions) and treats me well. He is also NOT a sarcastic person, so this response really surprised me. And he indicated through that statement that he felt criticized before, even though I did not actually say anything critical or more than I posted above - I merely asked him to slow down and wait for me. I thought I spoke in a calm and positive fashion, but he clearly got something else out of it.

Since I am on the tail end of PMS (and in need of a bit of a vent here!), I want to wait and talk to him calmly about the matter later in the week. I'd also like to let him know that incorporating some behaviors - especially walking with me when we are going to more formal events - would really please me.

Suggestions on how to approach the topic and other ways to encourage him without making him feel criticized?

Cheers,
BG

I met this guy through friends. All was going very well, both busy with work, but talked and texted daily and he called each night (talked hours at a time), would get together at least once a week, and then meet up with friends. Going great for a month. We had great communication, shared that we were both scared of getting hurt and said we would take things slow; however we did sleep together. Still called afterwards, then following week I went out of town with girlfriends. He said was ok with it, but never called me the whole time. Came back no return calls, or texts. Finally I texted him and asked if we were ok. I then received a very long text about how he had been thinking and he did not feel he was ready for these kind of feelings, and didn't want to hurt me. Long story short, I said I wanted to slow down too, his next text seemed cruel, I said friends was good and to still talk, but slow down, he then got mad said it was over, that he was trying to spare my feelings. I then said basically being immature, he said no that friends was good and we would talk later.
I am not calling him. I do miss him and want to work, but am unsure of some things. Is he in the rubberband stage, or is this over completely? His friends are even at a loss, because he just told them how much he likes me! Help!

Hello all!

I just wanted to start a thread about the cave. Reading all the posts and the confusion that ensues from abrupt withdrawal, receding into the fog, no contact, sudden disappearance etc, etc, etc etc...

I just wondered- how long is too long? Does anyone have any positive experience post-cave? Is there such a thing? Are we deluding ourselves? Making excuses for bad behavior?

I'm new to the site and posted one thread about disappearance. Since then (still no sign of life!) I've been busy with work and simply trying not to think about it. Though still a bit baffled and hurt (especially after three years with this particular m).

Anyway- any ideas about the cave?

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. It has been a great relationship for most of that time. Recently we have both been under a lot of stress and the relationship has felt ‘off.’ He has been pulling away. He says that he feels overwhelmed and that he just wants some time to himself. Before this conversation we both have been under a lot stress (i.e. problems with my son, his ex wife, his job) and I had been more emotional that I usually am. He seems to fit the description of pulling away like a rubber band (like they describe in the book). But I am unsure of how to proceed at this point. We have cut back the amount of time that we spend together but it feels like when we are together we are always having serious discussions (mostly because I start them) and we feel a lot of tension. I am trying to give him the space he needs but it is hard for me because we have not had a situation like this before and I am scared that he is not going to come back. To add to it, I am also having some issues with the relationship and I want to work on those but not overwhelm him with everything at once…so he has some time alone. I am not sure what to do.