Question of the Day

Dear John,

My child is only eight months old, but I want make sure we will always talk to each other, through her infancy and into her adulthood. What can I do now, in these first few precious years, to ensure a healthy relationship?

~ New Mom, in Pomona, CA

Dear New Mom,

It's wonderful that you recognize the importance of laying the foundation as early as possible for a lifetime of open communication. Two components will be the basis of this foundation: they are love, and trust.

All parents have the innate ability to love their children. But not all parents demonstrate their love. The sensation of touch—hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling—are all ways in which we show our children we love them. The daily verbal reminder, "I love you," is something that should never be withheld.

Another way to demonstrate your love is to create rituals you do together that show your child that she is special to you. This could be something as simple as a bedtime story each night, a mother-daughter walk to a favorite store every Wednesday, A trip to the county fair each July, or making breakfast on Saturday mornings for Dad.

The most important lesson a child can learn during her first few years of life is that she can always trust the two people that love her the most: her mother and her father. A child initial perception of trust comes when she cries out and a parent responds. Many parents are mistakenly guided to ignore their children when they cry out. By doing so, they are told, they will instill in their child self-sufficiency and the understanding that "you cannot always get what you want by crying for it." In reality, there is no way to spoil a child under the age of two with too much attention. During this time, whenever you can give them the response they cry for, you will be nurturing a sense of trust as opposed to a sense of powerlessness.

Learning to accept the boundaries and limits is one of life's big lessons. After the age of two, the lesson of delayed gratification can best be taught if the child is secure in her trust of Mom and Dad. To communicate that you hear or understand a child's wishes, you must first validate the message, but it is best to do this without setting a boundary. You do that by know that you cannot always give your child what they want, but you can provide them with what they really need.