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> A Red Flag Or Me?, M rushing to ex defense
Offlinemarsoe
post 02/03/12 01:47 PM
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QUOTE (urbanhippy @ 02/03/12 12:44 PM) *
The friendly relationship with an ex doesn't bother me. I do feel bothered that my M wants to impress another V. Maybe I'm reading too much into this!

Sadly details are difficult due to privacy sad.gif

UH


The discussion about M's friendships with other women was discussed here some time ago. I felt it was true that a friendship between ones M and a V is ok as long as it is not too often so she becomes a life companion as well. In your situation that is what would bother me. That he so to speak has two women in his life that he is very close to on a weekly basis, because that would mean that there was an emotional attachment between the two of them.

What you write sounds as if they are still emotionally attached to each other, and I understand why you are not at ease with it. I don't want women too close to my M either. It's just the way it is.


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OnlineVenusZGirl
post 02/03/12 03:30 PM
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My take on this subject is that if the V in the relationship is friends with the other V that the M does things for (i.e., his ex), and that they occasionally all do things together, then it's no big deal. But if it's always the M doing things for the V without including his current V in anything would be bothersome to me, particularly if these things have nothing to do with the children. However, the fact that he's open about it speaks volumes. If he was constantly doing things for her and you found out after the fact, that would bother me.

Bottom line: If you're bothered, you need to bring it up in a safe, nice way. And let him speak.

I do agree that this situation might be fueled by deeper issues you have re: your relationship as a whole, where it's headed, if you're moving toward marriage, etc. These fears may be manifesting in this particular situation and perhaps this V-situation is being taken out of proportion.
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Offlineaussiegirl
post 02/03/12 09:14 PM
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My M and his ex wife have a very amicable relationship. She often comes in when she drops their daughter off, and we all have a chat. Sometimes its appropriate for me to excuse myself and leave them to it, as they need to discuss things relating to their daughter, and that's fine with me.

There will be times when they will need to meet or discuss things regarding their daughter down the track, and that's great - but they don't need to do it over dinner and a movie either, lol.

One of the things that I love most about my M, and I always have, is that he never bad mouths his ex wife, and if she ever found herself in difficulty, he would help her. That says a lot to me about his good character.

I think you really need to discuss boundaries here, because if my M was constantly running to his ex, particularly over things that don't relate to their daughter I would feel uncomfortable with that. I think he would too if I were in constant contact with my ex (but for different reasons).

If he's excluding you then that's not ok. Discuss it with him and see what happens.



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OfflineHecate
post 02/04/12 05:24 AM
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Another ex relationship here. My exH and I don't have kids but once we got past the difficult parts of the divorce we now maintain a good relationship. I live in a small village, my exH lives just down the road from me, and in a small place like this it's almost impossible to avoid people. So a few years ago we decided to extend a mutual olive branch and be 'friends'.
My M is fine with our relationship. He and my exH will even have a beer together if they're both in the local pub. M works away a lot and is currently away on the other side of the world. He worries about me when he's away, as I don't have any close family or good local friends. He knows that if anything happens and I need help, my exH will be there for me. Since M has been away, my exH has called me every couple of days, just to check if I'm ok.
This arrangement works for several reasons: my M isn't bothered at all by it,I have no romantic feelings left for my exH at all, and exH has chosen not to become involved with another woman since we divorced. (I'm not sure if he has an agenda here, but he has never tried to do or say anything inappropriate since M and I got back together). M and I did talk about where his boundaries are, and I don't cross those boundaries. Also, exH does know where to step back and doesn't try to take over in any way.

So just because it works for us, with our set of circumstances, doesn't mean that it will work for everyone and I can very easily see why it would bother or upset you, UH. I agree with everyone who said that it's a good time now to talk about boundaries, and also address the point that there may be something deeper going on here within you.
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