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> A Red Flag Or Me?, M rushing to ex defense
Offlineurbanhippy
post 02/02/12 06:02 PM
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Hi -

firstly, thanks to everyone who helped me last year. We sorted things out and things are rolling along quite nicely - even talking about moving in together.

It's been so wonderful the last several months once I simply let my expectations go and lived in the relationship "now". I guess things progress at their own pace - trying to push just creates frustration.

But there is one little niggle and I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.

First of all, just to be clear - I really don't have a problem with the ex (haven't met her) and totally get that M spends time with his kids whenever the opportunity arises even if that means going over to the ex's house and visiting them all. The ex is married but new husband travels a lot for business and only seems to be there 1 week out of 4.

What niggles me is the exes tendancy to call on my M whenever she is in a pickle. And off he goes to help her. I get helping the kids - but not helping the ex. That just seems to cross a line for me.

The most recent situation is the ex'es ex who seems to be causing a bit of a problem for her. My M has got himself involved to the point where it seems to me he is defending her and helping her out. This is nothing which involves the kids at all.

He asked me when this recent incident came up if I was ok. I said, that I was suprised he felt it nessasary to get involved to whicch he reassured me he loved me and there was nothing for me to be concerned over.

It does niggle and all of a sudden all those old concerns come back - ie. does he see a future with me (no marraige even in discussion) etc etc etc.

Is this a red flag or am I just being a silly V?

TIA

Urbanhippy
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Offlineaussiegirl
post 02/02/12 07:05 PM
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Not sure if it's a red flag per se, but it could be an orange flag.

I guess it depends why she's calling him to help her. If her power goes out from a blown circuit, or the washing machine breaks down, things like that - that does affect the kids. If it's to change a light bulb, well, she needs to learn to do it herself.

As for your M getting involved re her ex, as long as the situation doesn't put his children at risk (in which case he absolutely should be involved) I would think that's her husbands role to deal with that. Can you expand a little on this?

I think it would be a good idea, when the moment presents itself to talk to M about boundaries re ex's, where you stand and where he stands and see if the two work. If they don't, see if you can negotiate and compromise.

If the moment doesn't present itself soon, say to your M "can I talk to you about something?", use a pass-the-butter tone, keep it to no longer than 10-15 minutes and then drop it. Use the "when x happens, it makes you feel z and you're starting to feel uncertain about where you stand in your relationship.

Good luck!


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An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
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OfflinePhoenix51
post 02/02/12 07:32 PM
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No it's not you, urbanhippy. If it bothers you, it bothers you. Even if you have nothing to worry about as regards the relationship, and he is truly just being a friend to her, he needs to listen to how it makes you feel. It doesn't have to be about trust or suspicion - just creating and agreeing on acceptable boundaries.

You are rightly accepting of the contact as it is, especially as it relates to their kids, but there are lines to be drawn, and imho he needs to let her know he can't be her automatic go-to. Not that it is your right to stop him (and I'm sure you wouldn't wish to) - but, absolutely, you can let him know that certain things make you feel uncomfortable, and that includes going to help her with private matters such as this that have nothing to do with him, nor should they. I can't help wondering what her husband thinks of it too!
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Offlineannakarenina
post 02/02/12 10:30 PM
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One of my closest friends is my M's ex-wife. We have a wonderful relationship,
she would do anything for me and I for her. She raised a lovely daughter who
easily accepted me as a companion for her father. That took a very special person
to create that accepting spirit in her daughter.

My M not only does things for his ex-wife, she does them for him and also me, (she and
her husband recently arranged a wonderful one week paid for vacation for my M and me.)

My M also does things for his ex-girlfriend and that does not bother me one bit.

If it bothered me I would know I was in the wrong relationship and move on.
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