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> Lying, Spying And Cheating, i don't know what to think
Offlinelynah
post 12/01/11 12:30 AM
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Relationship Status: In a Relationship



Hi,

I have recently moved in with my partner, we have been together for 14 months. We have bought a house together. I have had the odd concern through our relationship but have always worked through it and we seem to have gone from strength to strength.
Before we moved in, I started looking on his computer as he started to become disinterested in sex, and while I was using it one day, his chat site was active. I confronted him with these concerns, to which he said a) he was just working hard, so tired, and cool.gif he did not chat.
From here, I started to become obsessed with finding out . He tends to fob me off, give me a glossed over answer expecting me to be happy with that. I knew I was heading into dangerous territory but I was compelled. He kept old emails from previous gf's on his emails, lots of them. He had a colourful history and it made me increasingly suspicious. I did quizz him about his past relationships, and he would give me some information but I by now knew more.
Regardless of this, (by the time I found out we had signed a contract on the house) I moved in with him, and things have pretty much deteriorated. What I had found out has been surprizing, but not terrible, but what I did then find was old nude photos (explicit) of previous women. One in particular was someone he has continued to communicate with.
He made it clear from the outset he has women friends. However he never told me he had slept with them nor took explicit photos of them.
It was eating me up inside so 2 weeks ago I told him what I had done, found. Well, he had a huge reaction, he had told me not to spy, a previous gf did it and it ended badly. It is the one thing he hates, and well, I did it. He took it pretty well considering the potential damage I have caused.
Things have evened out, we have communicated better than we ever have, he has answered my questions as much as he possibly can or is willing to. We have been quite drained from my obsessiveness.
Last night, he received a text from the woman in question. He panicked, changed the subject, I left the room, gave him time to recover. He didnt do anything. I stewed until he finally came up to me and said he cant control her texts. I told him he damn well could by telling her to stop. We had a huge fight. He left. But I continued to push. I went onto his phone while he was gone and got her number. I wanted to call her but I didn't. But I left the number on the screen and today he has realised that yet again I have betrayed his trust. I do not know if we can recover from here.
My obsessiveness and his complete disregard for my insecurity over this woman are eating at both of us.
I love him and I know he loves me. We are both mid 40's and both have history and 90/10's going on all over the show.
What I want to know is how from here I can help, without making the situation worse. He is currently so angry I would not be surprised if he leaves to be honest.
Thanks
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OfflineMandyKay
post 12/05/11 05:57 PM
Post #2


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I saw maybe one post that suggested you leave him. I saw more posters say it was up to you and then ask questions that you can reflect upon, advice was offered on how to salvage this. Everyone was in the same camp that you need to get out of fear mode and into empowered mode and recognize you have choices.

Get very clear on what "improvement" entails. Discuss what trust building activities you two both need (i.e. remove the nudey photos of your ex; don't read through my emails).

By the way, this is the fear talking again:
I know I can leave when I want to, I have been down that road, but I also know that it is a terribly difficult emotional rollercoaster and I swore I would never put myself through it again.

Remaining with someone when trust is broken is also an emotional rollercoaster. The only difference is when you stay together there is a phase of "hysterical bonding" following the breaking of trust. Once that phase subsides, you begin to experience the real nitty gritty emotions over the experience. Just a cautionary tale from someone who has been there, done that. Make sure your reasons for staying are genuine and know that you can make the decision to leave at anytime. You always have decision.







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Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.
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Posts in this topic
- lynah   Lying, Spying And Cheating   12/01/11 12:30 AM
- - BigRed   You guys have big troubles (I've been in this ...   12/01/11 10:26 AM
|- - annakarenina   You have monumental problems in this relationship....   12/01/11 11:01 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (annakarenina @ 12/01/11 12:01 PM)...   12/01/11 09:31 PM
- - Meandering   ((((hugs)))) Lynah! My M snooped the same a...   12/01/11 10:58 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   You keep saying that you are obsessing, but I can...   12/01/11 11:57 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jessicarabbit97 @ 12/01/11 09:57 ...   12/01/11 12:10 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (MandyKay @ 12/01/11 01:10 PM) QUO...   12/01/11 09:39 PM
- - annakarenina   Lynah, My M is in contact with his exes includin...   12/01/11 01:14 PM
- - lynah   Thankyou all for your responses and concern. There...   12/01/11 08:52 PM
|- - Hecate   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/02/11 12:52 AM) He has...   12/02/11 11:48 AM
- - Green Eyed Girl   I think you are taking all of the "blame...   12/02/11 01:08 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (Green Eyed Girl @ 12/01/11 11:08 ...   12/02/11 09:53 AM
- - luckyme   That's why I like marriage: the rules are simp...   12/02/11 03:01 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   I'm not going to make some pronouncement about...   12/02/11 11:05 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jessicarabbit97 @ 12/02/11 09:05 ...   12/02/11 12:52 PM
- - TryingHard   I am going to give my own take on this...and i thi...   12/02/11 11:50 AM
- - annakarenina   Well, one of you can buy the other out. The bought...   12/02/11 12:10 PM
- - lynah   Again, thanks for all the input, I can't answe...   12/02/11 04:25 PM
|- - anad   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/02/11 01:25 PM) I simp...   12/02/11 06:58 PM
|- - Green Eyed Girl   QUOTE (anad @ 12/02/11 04:58 PM) QUOTE (...   12/02/11 09:21 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (anad @ 12/02/11 07:58 PM) QUOTE (...   12/03/11 03:50 AM
|- - anad   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/03/11 12:50 AM) QUOTE ...   12/03/11 10:34 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   Again, I'm not telling you to stay OR to go. ...   12/02/11 04:28 PM
- - AZSunGirl   Ditto to everything others have said and this: QU...   12/02/11 10:59 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, please consider that there's probably a...   12/02/11 11:48 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (AgingGrace @ 12/03/11 12:48 AM) l...   12/03/11 03:54 AM
- - luckyme   If the man I was living with called me a b***h, I ...   12/03/11 02:18 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (luckyme @ 12/03/11 03:18 AM) If t...   12/03/11 04:00 AM
- - jerseygirl   "I also have photos of men on my computer and...   12/03/11 10:28 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jerseygirl @ 12/03/11 08:28 AM) ...   12/03/11 11:47 AM
- - jerseygirl   I also don't find it surprising or coincidence...   12/03/11 12:07 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, this is an area where I think you'll er...   12/03/11 12:38 PM
- - lynah   We have done a lot of talking, which has been calm...   12/05/11 05:32 PM
- - MandyKay   From your original post... QUOTE (lynah @ 1...   12/05/11 06:04 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, sounds like you've navigated the crisis...   12/05/11 06:05 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (AgingGrace @ 12/05/11 07:05 PM) l...   12/06/11 09:21 PM
- - Meandering   I'm glad you & M have spoken and that you ...   12/06/11 09:08 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, it makes sense that you feel flat and have ...   12/08/11 10:14 PM
- - MandyKay   I hear lots of stuff but see very little action on...   12/08/11 10:34 PM
- - lynah   Hi, Have not been on for a while, so I thought I ...   04/22/12 10:55 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   The only way you'll overcome the fear is to sh...   04/23/12 08:22 AM
- - chloroph   (((hugs))) to you, dear, during this difficult tim...   04/24/12 05:21 PM
- - annakarenina   Of course, you fear being alone. It will pass. Y...   04/24/12 05:45 PM
- - lynah   Hi. My M and I have decided to split, after what c...   07/09/12 08:24 PM
|- - annakarenina   It is best not to fall into the trap of discussing...   07/10/12 09:57 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (annakarenina @ 07/10/12 10:57 AM)...   07/11/12 08:29 AM
- - lynah   To clarify, he is already in contact with the othe...   07/11/12 08:30 AM
- - annakarenina   Do not talk with him that is how you disengage. I...   07/11/12 08:40 AM


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