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> Lying, Spying And Cheating, i don't know what to think
post 12/01/11 12:30 AM
Post #1

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From: Australia
Relationship Status: In a Relationship


I have recently moved in with my partner, we have been together for 14 months. We have bought a house together. I have had the odd concern through our relationship but have always worked through it and we seem to have gone from strength to strength.
Before we moved in, I started looking on his computer as he started to become disinterested in sex, and while I was using it one day, his chat site was active. I confronted him with these concerns, to which he said a) he was just working hard, so tired, and cool.gif he did not chat.
From here, I started to become obsessed with finding out . He tends to fob me off, give me a glossed over answer expecting me to be happy with that. I knew I was heading into dangerous territory but I was compelled. He kept old emails from previous gf's on his emails, lots of them. He had a colourful history and it made me increasingly suspicious. I did quizz him about his past relationships, and he would give me some information but I by now knew more.
Regardless of this, (by the time I found out we had signed a contract on the house) I moved in with him, and things have pretty much deteriorated. What I had found out has been surprizing, but not terrible, but what I did then find was old nude photos (explicit) of previous women. One in particular was someone he has continued to communicate with.
He made it clear from the outset he has women friends. However he never told me he had slept with them nor took explicit photos of them.
It was eating me up inside so 2 weeks ago I told him what I had done, found. Well, he had a huge reaction, he had told me not to spy, a previous gf did it and it ended badly. It is the one thing he hates, and well, I did it. He took it pretty well considering the potential damage I have caused.
Things have evened out, we have communicated better than we ever have, he has answered my questions as much as he possibly can or is willing to. We have been quite drained from my obsessiveness.
Last night, he received a text from the woman in question. He panicked, changed the subject, I left the room, gave him time to recover. He didnt do anything. I stewed until he finally came up to me and said he cant control her texts. I told him he damn well could by telling her to stop. We had a huge fight. He left. But I continued to push. I went onto his phone while he was gone and got her number. I wanted to call her but I didn't. But I left the number on the screen and today he has realised that yet again I have betrayed his trust. I do not know if we can recover from here.
My obsessiveness and his complete disregard for my insecurity over this woman are eating at both of us.
I love him and I know he loves me. We are both mid 40's and both have history and 90/10's going on all over the show.
What I want to know is how from here I can help, without making the situation worse. He is currently so angry I would not be surprised if he leaves to be honest.
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post 12/02/11 04:25 PM
Post #2

AMVU Freshman
Gender: Unknown Gender
Group: Registered Users
Posts: 86
Joined: 05/12/10
From: Australia
Relationship Status: In a Relationship

Again, thanks for all the input, I can't answer every single question being asked here, it is too much.
I simply cannot walk away at this point. Yes the 4 women are huge red flags and I am trying to make him see this. He has acknowledged that somehow he has allowed V's to become so insecure around him, and he seemed to dwell on this, which was good. This man has a photographic memory so every single conversation we have he can recall.... so he won't forget that I have this concern.
I don't know how hard to push my issues, at the moment it IS all about what I have done.
I AM confused, very confused, I don't know what is true and what I have fabricated. I don't know if he is friends or more. I want to believe him, yet I don't want to be in denial. At this stage the wound is too raw and making any decision based on my feelings which are very scattered WOULD be foolish.
I agree there are 90/10's going on on both sides. He thinks that me calling him an a....hole is going to lead to physical abuse for goodness sake.... (because of a past relationship)
My M is essentially a good man, but I think he has a lot of issues from past relationships that he has swept under the carpet.... the only way to get over it is to move on to the next....
But I also have issues, and YES I have always been insecure (childhood and then coming out of a 20 year emotionally abusive relationship) so I know what EA is. If I think this M is heading down that road, then YES I will have a reason for quitting, but I don't believe that I can run away. What am I going to learn by running at this stage? I am also a fighter, and maybe there is enough here to fight for. I have created a lot of this by snooping and I have now created paranoia to the point that everything he says or does is potentially suspicious.
He has said that his past was full of mistakes, and I think he is ashamed of some of it to be honest. Why he needs to stay in contact with people from his past only he can explain.
But I need to be 100% certain that running away is the right thing to do and I am not convinced .... yet......
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Posts in this topic
- lynah   Lying, Spying And Cheating   12/01/11 12:30 AM
- - BigRed   You guys have big troubles (I've been in this ...   12/01/11 10:26 AM
|- - annakarenina   You have monumental problems in this relationship....   12/01/11 11:01 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (annakarenina @ 12/01/11 12:01 PM)...   12/01/11 09:31 PM
- - Meandering   ((((hugs)))) Lynah! My M snooped the same a...   12/01/11 10:58 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   You keep saying that you are obsessing, but I can...   12/01/11 11:57 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jessicarabbit97 @ 12/01/11 09:57 ...   12/01/11 12:10 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (MandyKay @ 12/01/11 01:10 PM) QUO...   12/01/11 09:39 PM
- - annakarenina   Lynah, My M is in contact with his exes includin...   12/01/11 01:14 PM
- - lynah   Thankyou all for your responses and concern. There...   12/01/11 08:52 PM
|- - Hecate   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/02/11 12:52 AM) He has...   12/02/11 11:48 AM
- - Green Eyed Girl   I think you are taking all of the "blame...   12/02/11 01:08 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (Green Eyed Girl @ 12/01/11 11:08 ...   12/02/11 09:53 AM
- - luckyme   That's why I like marriage: the rules are simp...   12/02/11 03:01 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   I'm not going to make some pronouncement about...   12/02/11 11:05 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jessicarabbit97 @ 12/02/11 09:05 ...   12/02/11 12:52 PM
- - TryingHard   I am going to give my own take on this...and i thi...   12/02/11 11:50 AM
- - annakarenina   Well, one of you can buy the other out. The bought...   12/02/11 12:10 PM
|- - anad   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/02/11 01:25 PM) I simp...   12/02/11 06:58 PM
|- - Green Eyed Girl   QUOTE (anad @ 12/02/11 04:58 PM) QUOTE (...   12/02/11 09:21 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (anad @ 12/02/11 07:58 PM) QUOTE (...   12/03/11 03:50 AM
|- - anad   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/03/11 12:50 AM) QUOTE ...   12/03/11 10:34 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   Again, I'm not telling you to stay OR to go. ...   12/02/11 04:28 PM
- - AZSunGirl   Ditto to everything others have said and this: QU...   12/02/11 10:59 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, please consider that there's probably a...   12/02/11 11:48 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (AgingGrace @ 12/03/11 12:48 AM) l...   12/03/11 03:54 AM
- - luckyme   If the man I was living with called me a b***h, I ...   12/03/11 02:18 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (luckyme @ 12/03/11 03:18 AM) If t...   12/03/11 04:00 AM
- - jerseygirl   "I also have photos of men on my computer and...   12/03/11 10:28 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jerseygirl @ 12/03/11 08:28 AM) ...   12/03/11 11:47 AM
- - jerseygirl   I also don't find it surprising or coincidence...   12/03/11 12:07 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, this is an area where I think you'll er...   12/03/11 12:38 PM
- - lynah   We have done a lot of talking, which has been calm...   12/05/11 05:32 PM
- - MandyKay   I saw maybe one post that suggested you leave him....   12/05/11 05:57 PM
- - MandyKay   From your original post... QUOTE (lynah @ 1...   12/05/11 06:04 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, sounds like you've navigated the crisis...   12/05/11 06:05 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (AgingGrace @ 12/05/11 07:05 PM) l...   12/06/11 09:21 PM
- - Meandering   I'm glad you & M have spoken and that you ...   12/06/11 09:08 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, it makes sense that you feel flat and have ...   12/08/11 10:14 PM
- - MandyKay   I hear lots of stuff but see very little action on...   12/08/11 10:34 PM
- - lynah   Hi, Have not been on for a while, so I thought I ...   04/22/12 10:55 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   The only way you'll overcome the fear is to sh...   04/23/12 08:22 AM
- - chloroph   (((hugs))) to you, dear, during this difficult tim...   04/24/12 05:21 PM
- - annakarenina   Of course, you fear being alone. It will pass. Y...   04/24/12 05:45 PM
- - lynah   Hi. My M and I have decided to split, after what c...   07/09/12 08:24 PM
|- - annakarenina   It is best not to fall into the trap of discussing...   07/10/12 09:57 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (annakarenina @ 07/10/12 10:57 AM)...   07/11/12 08:29 AM
- - lynah   To clarify, he is already in contact with the othe...   07/11/12 08:30 AM
- - annakarenina   Do not talk with him that is how you disengage. I...   07/11/12 08:40 AM

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