Lying, Spying And Cheating, i don't know what to think Options

[lynah]

Hi,

I have recently moved in with my partner, we have been together for 14 months. We have bought a house together. I have had the odd concern through our relationship but have always worked through it and we seem to have gone from strength to strength.
Before we moved in, I started looking on his computer as he started to become disinterested in sex, and while I was using it one day, his chat site was active. I confronted him with these concerns, to which he said a) he was just working hard, so tired, and he did not chat.
From here, I started to become obsessed with finding out . He tends to fob me off, give me a glossed over answer expecting me to be happy with that. I knew I was heading into dangerous territory but I was compelled. He kept old emails from previous gf's on his emails, lots of them. He had a colourful history and it made me increasingly suspicious. I did quizz him about his past relationships, and he would give me some information but I by now knew more.
Regardless of this, (by the time I found out we had signed a contract on the house) I moved in with him, and things have pretty much deteriorated. What I had found out has been surprizing, but not terrible, but what I did then find was old nude photos (explicit) of previous women. One in particular was someone he has continued to communicate with.
He made it clear from the outset he has women friends. However he never told me he had slept with them nor took explicit photos of them.
It was eating me up inside so 2 weeks ago I told him what I had done, found. Well, he had a huge reaction, he had told me not to spy, a previous gf did it and it ended badly. It is the one thing he hates, and well, I did it. He took it pretty well considering the potential damage I have caused.
Things have evened out, we have communicated better than we ever have, he has answered my questions as much as he possibly can or is willing to. We have been quite drained from my obsessiveness.
Last night, he received a text from the woman in question. He panicked, changed the subject, I left the room, gave him time to recover. He didnt do anything. I stewed until he finally came up to me and said he cant control her texts. I told him he damn well could by telling her to stop. We had a huge fight. He left. But I continued to push. I went onto his phone while he was gone and got her number. I wanted to call her but I didn't. But I left the number on the screen and today he has realised that yet again I have betrayed his trust. I do not know if we can recover from here.
My obsessiveness and his complete disregard for my insecurity over this woman are eating at both of us.
I love him and I know he loves me. We are both mid 40's and both have history and 90/10's going on all over the show.
What I want to know is how from here I can help, without making the situation worse. He is currently so angry I would not be surprised if he leaves to be honest.
Thanks

[jessicarabbit97]

You keep saying that you are obsessing, but I can't tell if you're being overly obsessive or if he's giving you reasons to be obsessive and that's your intuition screaming at you that something is wrong, wrong, wrong.

If there was no house involved, I would say run for the hills, but since disposing of the house isn't as easy these days (I'm assuming those are your circumstances), then I would recommend that you guys get some help immediately on sorting this out - whether it's a coach, a therapist (my recommendation), a minister, a lawyer, whatever. If he turns out to be a liar and a cheater *as it appears he is*, then you might need to get out and take the financial hit.

Sometimes women go into a r'ship with 90/10s that make them think the guy is cheating when he isn't...and sometimes women have good radar that men are always denying...until they're caught red-handed and can't lie anymore.

It sounds to me like the jury is still out on this one, but the worst thing you can do right now is ASSUME that the entire problem is yours 100% and that you're being obsessive and he has no skin in this game.

Keep your eyes and ears open.

[MandyKay]

It sounds to me like the jury is still out on this one, but the worst thing you can do right now is ASSUME that the entire problem is yours 100% and that you're being obsessive and he has no skin in this game.

Keep your eyes and ears open.

I completely agree with JR.

I read this last night and my initial through was why are you taking ALL the blame here? How do you feel about these photos and his friendship with women he's slept with? Is it okay for you?

It's time to have a talk about what is appropriate in general for opposite s ex friendships. Every couple should have this talk IMO.

Would he be cool with you having s exually explicit photos of men you slept with?

Have a calm non-blaming discussion. I'm not keen on his response but if he's got major issues about snooping then that totally overshadows what he has done when he is in "fight" mode. He may not even look at those photos or have any idea they are there.

I am not a fan of any type of snooping. I live with my M and he once saw my laptop open to this site in our mutual office and while he's aware I am active on this forum, he asked if he and I were having issues. I felt totally violated, but I realized it was because my mother gave me no privacy as a child. I didn't even have a bedroom door. She read through my diary and went through my desk, always accusing me of being s exually active (I didn't lose my virginity in any form until I was 20). Anyways, some people's issues with snooping run deep--their reasons for fearing it as well as doing it.

I agree about the therapist helping you two out with this, but only because you two share a common property. Otherwise I'd advise you to step back and think about what this means for you. IMO, you are way too focused on what you've done wrong, how damaging your actions are to the relationship and how he feels and what he's gonna do. Who cares if he's 7/8ths out the door? So be it. How do you feel?

[lynah]

It sounds to me like the jury is still out on this one, but the worst thing you can do right now is ASSUME that the entire problem is yours 100% and that you're being obsessive and he has no skin in this game.

Keep your eyes and ears open.

I completely agree with JR.

I read this last night and my initial through was why are you taking ALL the blame here? How do you feel about these photos and his friendship with women he's slept with? Is it okay for you?

It's time to have a talk about what is appropriate in general for opposite s ex friendships. Every couple should have this talk IMO.

Would he be cool with you having s exually explicit photos of men you slept with?

Have a calm non-blaming discussion. I'm not keen on his response but if he's got major issues about snooping then that totally overshadows what he has done when he is in "fight" mode. He may not even look at those photos or have any idea they are there.

I am not a fan of any type of snooping. I live with my M and he once saw my laptop open to this site in our mutual office and while he's aware I am active on this forum, he asked if he and I were having issues. I felt totally violated, but I realized it was because my mother gave me no privacy as a child. I didn't even have a bedroom door. She read through my diary and went through my desk, always accusing me of being s exually active (I didn't lose my virginity in any form until I was 20). Anyways, some people's issues with snooping run deep--their reasons for fearing it as well as doing it.

I agree about the therapist helping you two out with this, but only because you two share a common property. Otherwise I'd advise you to step back and think about what this means for you. IMO, you are way too focused on what you've done wrong, how damaging your actions are to the relationship and how he feels and what he's gonna do. Who cares if he's 7/8ths out the door? So be it. How do you feel?

Mandy Kay, to clarify, yes he knew the photos were there, the only way I found them was because I looked at his recent history on the computer and they came up. He said he had forgotten about them and found them when he was looking for something else....
I know that sounds really dodgy, so to clarify further, he has approx 2000 unread emails (non suspicious) about the same in read emails, numerous folders named with exes names from as far back as 10 years ago as well as other stuff that is old. He does not clear out his computer or his emails, he just .... keeps it.... So I don't think the pictures were something he looks at regularly, I just think they were.... there..... there were more than one woman, it was several.....
I was never meant to find this stuff.... I had no right really to delve.