Lying, Spying And Cheating, i don't know what to think Options

[lynah]

Hi,

I have recently moved in with my partner, we have been together for 14 months. We have bought a house together. I have had the odd concern through our relationship but have always worked through it and we seem to have gone from strength to strength.
Before we moved in, I started looking on his computer as he started to become disinterested in sex, and while I was using it one day, his chat site was active. I confronted him with these concerns, to which he said a) he was just working hard, so tired, and he did not chat.
From here, I started to become obsessed with finding out . He tends to fob me off, give me a glossed over answer expecting me to be happy with that. I knew I was heading into dangerous territory but I was compelled. He kept old emails from previous gf's on his emails, lots of them. He had a colourful history and it made me increasingly suspicious. I did quizz him about his past relationships, and he would give me some information but I by now knew more.
Regardless of this, (by the time I found out we had signed a contract on the house) I moved in with him, and things have pretty much deteriorated. What I had found out has been surprizing, but not terrible, but what I did then find was old nude photos (explicit) of previous women. One in particular was someone he has continued to communicate with.
He made it clear from the outset he has women friends. However he never told me he had slept with them nor took explicit photos of them.
It was eating me up inside so 2 weeks ago I told him what I had done, found. Well, he had a huge reaction, he had told me not to spy, a previous gf did it and it ended badly. It is the one thing he hates, and well, I did it. He took it pretty well considering the potential damage I have caused.
Things have evened out, we have communicated better than we ever have, he has answered my questions as much as he possibly can or is willing to. We have been quite drained from my obsessiveness.
Last night, he received a text from the woman in question. He panicked, changed the subject, I left the room, gave him time to recover. He didnt do anything. I stewed until he finally came up to me and said he cant control her texts. I told him he damn well could by telling her to stop. We had a huge fight. He left. But I continued to push. I went onto his phone while he was gone and got her number. I wanted to call her but I didn't. But I left the number on the screen and today he has realised that yet again I have betrayed his trust. I do not know if we can recover from here.
My obsessiveness and his complete disregard for my insecurity over this woman are eating at both of us.
I love him and I know he loves me. We are both mid 40's and both have history and 90/10's going on all over the show.
What I want to know is how from here I can help, without making the situation worse. He is currently so angry I would not be surprised if he leaves to be honest.
Thanks

[annakarenina]

Lynah,

My M is in contact with his exes including his ex wife (who has become a very close friend
of mine.) It does not bother me a bit. On the other hand if he had nude pictures of them,
lied to me, or he was secretive, I would be gone. Finito. They are very nice women
who have been entirely respectful to me.

But your M's behavior shows true character flaws. Character flaws die with the
host. You cannot hope for change as a basis of a happy life. This is not the same as bad table manners or not putting the lid down on the toilet.

Yes, you snooped. So what? Your intuition was telling you something was wrong. Is that
comparable to having nude pictures in a file? Somehow this M has been able to deftly
shift the burden onto you thereby relieving himself of any fault.

AK