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> Lying, Spying And Cheating, i don't know what to think
Offlinelynah
post 12/01/11 12:30 AM
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Hi,

I have recently moved in with my partner, we have been together for 14 months. We have bought a house together. I have had the odd concern through our relationship but have always worked through it and we seem to have gone from strength to strength.
Before we moved in, I started looking on his computer as he started to become disinterested in sex, and while I was using it one day, his chat site was active. I confronted him with these concerns, to which he said a) he was just working hard, so tired, and cool.gif he did not chat.
From here, I started to become obsessed with finding out . He tends to fob me off, give me a glossed over answer expecting me to be happy with that. I knew I was heading into dangerous territory but I was compelled. He kept old emails from previous gf's on his emails, lots of them. He had a colourful history and it made me increasingly suspicious. I did quizz him about his past relationships, and he would give me some information but I by now knew more.
Regardless of this, (by the time I found out we had signed a contract on the house) I moved in with him, and things have pretty much deteriorated. What I had found out has been surprizing, but not terrible, but what I did then find was old nude photos (explicit) of previous women. One in particular was someone he has continued to communicate with.
He made it clear from the outset he has women friends. However he never told me he had slept with them nor took explicit photos of them.
It was eating me up inside so 2 weeks ago I told him what I had done, found. Well, he had a huge reaction, he had told me not to spy, a previous gf did it and it ended badly. It is the one thing he hates, and well, I did it. He took it pretty well considering the potential damage I have caused.
Things have evened out, we have communicated better than we ever have, he has answered my questions as much as he possibly can or is willing to. We have been quite drained from my obsessiveness.
Last night, he received a text from the woman in question. He panicked, changed the subject, I left the room, gave him time to recover. He didnt do anything. I stewed until he finally came up to me and said he cant control her texts. I told him he damn well could by telling her to stop. We had a huge fight. He left. But I continued to push. I went onto his phone while he was gone and got her number. I wanted to call her but I didn't. But I left the number on the screen and today he has realised that yet again I have betrayed his trust. I do not know if we can recover from here.
My obsessiveness and his complete disregard for my insecurity over this woman are eating at both of us.
I love him and I know he loves me. We are both mid 40's and both have history and 90/10's going on all over the show.
What I want to know is how from here I can help, without making the situation worse. He is currently so angry I would not be surprised if he leaves to be honest.
Thanks
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Offlinejessicarabbit97
post 12/01/11 11:57 AM
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You keep saying that you are obsessing, but I can't tell if you're being overly obsessive or if he's giving you reasons to be obsessive and that's your intuition screaming at you that something is wrong, wrong, wrong.

If there was no house involved, I would say run for the hills, but since disposing of the house isn't as easy these days (I'm assuming those are your circumstances), then I would recommend that you guys get some help immediately on sorting this out - whether it's a coach, a therapist (my recommendation), a minister, a lawyer, whatever. If he turns out to be a liar and a cheater *as it appears he is*, then you might need to get out and take the financial hit.

Sometimes women go into a r'ship with 90/10s that make them think the guy is cheating when he isn't...and sometimes women have good radar that men are always denying...until they're caught red-handed and can't lie anymore.

It sounds to me like the jury is still out on this one, but the worst thing you can do right now is ASSUME that the entire problem is yours 100% and that you're being obsessive and he has no skin in this game.

Keep your eyes and ears open.


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OfflineMandyKay
post 12/01/11 12:10 PM
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QUOTE (jessicarabbit97 @ 12/01/11 09:57 AM) *
It sounds to me like the jury is still out on this one, but the worst thing you can do right now is ASSUME that the entire problem is yours 100% and that you're being obsessive and he has no skin in this game.

Keep your eyes and ears open.

I completely agree with JR.

I read this last night and my initial through was why are you taking ALL the blame here? How do you feel about these photos and his friendship with women he's slept with? Is it okay for you?

It's time to have a talk about what is appropriate in general for opposite s ex friendships. Every couple should have this talk IMO.

Would he be cool with you having s exually explicit photos of men you slept with?

Have a calm non-blaming discussion. I'm not keen on his response but if he's got major issues about snooping then that totally overshadows what he has done when he is in "fight" mode. He may not even look at those photos or have any idea they are there.

I am not a fan of any type of snooping. I live with my M and he once saw my laptop open to this site in our mutual office and while he's aware I am active on this forum, he asked if he and I were having issues. I felt totally violated, but I realized it was because my mother gave me no privacy as a child. I didn't even have a bedroom door. She read through my diary and went through my desk, always accusing me of being s exually active (I didn't lose my virginity in any form until I was 20). Anyways, some people's issues with snooping run deep--their reasons for fearing it as well as doing it.

I agree about the therapist helping you two out with this, but only because you two share a common property. Otherwise I'd advise you to step back and think about what this means for you. IMO, you are way too focused on what you've done wrong, how damaging your actions are to the relationship and how he feels and what he's gonna do. Who cares if he's 7/8ths out the door? So be it. How do you feel?


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Posts in this topic
- lynah   Lying, Spying And Cheating   12/01/11 12:30 AM
- - BigRed   You guys have big troubles (I've been in this ...   12/01/11 10:26 AM
|- - annakarenina   You have monumental problems in this relationship....   12/01/11 11:01 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (annakarenina @ 12/01/11 12:01 PM)...   12/01/11 09:31 PM
- - Meandering   ((((hugs)))) Lynah! My M snooped the same a...   12/01/11 10:58 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (MandyKay @ 12/01/11 01:10 PM) QUO...   12/01/11 09:39 PM
- - annakarenina   Lynah, My M is in contact with his exes includin...   12/01/11 01:14 PM
- - lynah   Thankyou all for your responses and concern. There...   12/01/11 08:52 PM
|- - Hecate   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/02/11 12:52 AM) He has...   12/02/11 11:48 AM
- - Green Eyed Girl   I think you are taking all of the "blame...   12/02/11 01:08 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (Green Eyed Girl @ 12/01/11 11:08 ...   12/02/11 09:53 AM
- - luckyme   That's why I like marriage: the rules are simp...   12/02/11 03:01 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   I'm not going to make some pronouncement about...   12/02/11 11:05 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jessicarabbit97 @ 12/02/11 09:05 ...   12/02/11 12:52 PM
- - TryingHard   I am going to give my own take on this...and i thi...   12/02/11 11:50 AM
- - annakarenina   Well, one of you can buy the other out. The bought...   12/02/11 12:10 PM
- - lynah   Again, thanks for all the input, I can't answe...   12/02/11 04:25 PM
|- - anad   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/02/11 01:25 PM) I simp...   12/02/11 06:58 PM
|- - Green Eyed Girl   QUOTE (anad @ 12/02/11 04:58 PM) QUOTE (...   12/02/11 09:21 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (anad @ 12/02/11 07:58 PM) QUOTE (...   12/03/11 03:50 AM
|- - anad   QUOTE (lynah @ 12/03/11 12:50 AM) QUOTE ...   12/03/11 10:34 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   Again, I'm not telling you to stay OR to go. ...   12/02/11 04:28 PM
- - AZSunGirl   Ditto to everything others have said and this: QU...   12/02/11 10:59 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, please consider that there's probably a...   12/02/11 11:48 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (AgingGrace @ 12/03/11 12:48 AM) l...   12/03/11 03:54 AM
- - luckyme   If the man I was living with called me a b***h, I ...   12/03/11 02:18 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (luckyme @ 12/03/11 03:18 AM) If t...   12/03/11 04:00 AM
- - jerseygirl   "I also have photos of men on my computer and...   12/03/11 10:28 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jerseygirl @ 12/03/11 08:28 AM) ...   12/03/11 11:47 AM
- - jerseygirl   I also don't find it surprising or coincidence...   12/03/11 12:07 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, this is an area where I think you'll er...   12/03/11 12:38 PM
- - lynah   We have done a lot of talking, which has been calm...   12/05/11 05:32 PM
- - MandyKay   I saw maybe one post that suggested you leave him....   12/05/11 05:57 PM
- - MandyKay   From your original post... QUOTE (lynah @ 1...   12/05/11 06:04 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, sounds like you've navigated the crisis...   12/05/11 06:05 PM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (AgingGrace @ 12/05/11 07:05 PM) l...   12/06/11 09:21 PM
- - Meandering   I'm glad you & M have spoken and that you ...   12/06/11 09:08 PM
- - AgingGrace   lynah, it makes sense that you feel flat and have ...   12/08/11 10:14 PM
- - MandyKay   I hear lots of stuff but see very little action on...   12/08/11 10:34 PM
- - lynah   Hi, Have not been on for a while, so I thought I ...   04/22/12 10:55 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   The only way you'll overcome the fear is to sh...   04/23/12 08:22 AM
- - chloroph   (((hugs))) to you, dear, during this difficult tim...   04/24/12 05:21 PM
- - annakarenina   Of course, you fear being alone. It will pass. Y...   04/24/12 05:45 PM
- - lynah   Hi. My M and I have decided to split, after what c...   07/09/12 08:24 PM
|- - annakarenina   It is best not to fall into the trap of discussing...   07/10/12 09:57 AM
|- - lynah   QUOTE (annakarenina @ 07/10/12 10:57 AM)...   07/11/12 08:29 AM
- - lynah   To clarify, he is already in contact with the othe...   07/11/12 08:30 AM
- - annakarenina   Do not talk with him that is how you disengage. I...   07/11/12 08:40 AM


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