Starting Over (again), Focusing on ME & Trying to Figure Out What I Want Options

[Green Eyed Girl]

So, this thread has been a long time coming. It took me some time to get to this point and took me even more time to decide whether or not to post all of this here. I guess I'll just see how this goes and take it from there.

Me:
++ 39
++ Single

My relationship background:
++ I came to these boards following a terrible breakup back in November 2005. Short version is that I had been with this M for 4 years - we were, at the time, living together and looking at rings. I came home from a business trip to find out he had been cheating on me with a 21 year-old stripper. I moved out. We had not talked for years until today. He texted me - in response to me calling him not too long ago. Within 5 texts he turned it s e x u a l. I told him I was not interested in that. Have not heard back from him.
++ Prior to this M, I had been in a 4 year (HS boyfriend) and 7 year (college boyfriend) r'ship. I had dated others but nothing really serious - mostly just flings.
++ Shortly after I moved out, I met another M (January 2006). It quickly turned into a FWB situation. We have basically (with short breaks when one or the other of us has been in another r'ship) been together since. I last saw him about 1 month ago. I just found out he is engaged. He told me that he understands if I don't want to talk to / see him anymore but that he can't stay away from me and doesn't know what / why he is doing this. He then asked me to go away from him for the weekend. I said no. That was yesterday. I struggled to say no to him - and that really makes me mad at myself.
++ During the FWB situation (during one of the breaks I talk about above), I had a 1 year r'ship with an M. I ended things with him.

So, this is a really, really short version of everything but as you can see, I have VERY bad taste in men. It has been said on here that I probably have commitment issues. This is probably true. Although, I probably think it is more that I don't respect myself or think I deserve much more than what has been offered in the past.

So, today I started back to th er a py. I don't know what I accomplished today because all I did was cry. That being said, I really do want to start over and figure out what I want. I really feel like I'm ready right now. I'm not sure I was ever ready in the past.

I'm not really sure if I'm looking for any advise. Or, just wanting to get this all down on paper. I have no idea. I've been very sad recenly and can't really pin it on one thing - I HAD to do something.

[Hecate]

GEG, just a question first as I'm not sure I understood right. Are you saying that the FWB firefighter guy is engaged now and has been cheating on his fianc

[born2run]

GEG...

Good for you, hun!!!! You have taken a big leap forward in addressing and making changes in your life. This is wondeful news!!!

I believe with professional help and honest self reflection and hard work, you can turn your patterns around and start living a life that brings you joy and happiness. So dig deep, cry (all you need to) , get angry and work through all your old fears and issues.

Just remember you are so worthy of a loving, meaningful relationship with a very special M. It will happen when you are ready. You have already taken such a positive step to make it happen!!

Born xoxo

[Green Eyed Girl]

Hecate - I did just find this out. It is not something I had known in the past. If I'm being honest, I had wondered but had never asked since in the past we had discussed things like this and had always been honest with each other. But, I know now and so I can't see him anymore.
More than healing from the "him and I" thing, I guess this kills my trust in M's, in general. So, you are right, this will take some work.

Born - thanks for the response. I really appreciate it!

This is going to be a difficult journey!