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> Totally Confused And Waiting..., Rubber Banding or Wanting Out?
Offlineanad
post 06/24/11 06:58 PM
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And, Delfina, I am not advocating that you kick this to the curb...take your time here...I do agree with Meandering in that you should take the time to understand how you are feeling and wanting vs whats going on with him...

Just wanted to validate you...as I think I understand how his behavior might be affecting you...
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Offlinejerseygirl
post 06/24/11 07:25 PM
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I don't see this at all as a man/woman issue. This behavior IMO is deplorable on a human level, it is cruel, and I absolutely do not believe M's are inherently cruel.

Dunn, your gf may say she'll call and then not, we all do this casually, but would she stop answering your calls, tell you she needed a break from being your friend with no explanation, then meet with you and act like all is fine....and then end the meeting by saying "I'll call you later or tomorrow" then not calling all week, and answering your text asking why with deliberate riddles, then ignoring you when you called, concerned, letting it go to voice mail knowing full well she had her phone in her hand because she just texted you....would you still feel it was meaningless and just what friends do to each other?
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OfflineDelfina
post 06/24/11 07:38 PM
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Hi Everyone. Thnak you all for this wonderful discussion. I've just read all your posts after spending the day with a friend, having tea, getting mani/pedis, shopping, and just talking it all out.

To clarify a few things that I've read in the previous posts:

It has been 3 weeks since the first "space" conversation.

During the first "space" conversation, which I took quite well, speaking in a kind, understanding manner, I asked him how much time he'd think he needed and he said 2 or 3 weeks, and that we'd talk when I got back from my trip. I said, you want to just break up now? He said no. He just needs time and we will talk when I get back.

3 days after the "space" conversation, when I did not contact him at all, he called and told me that he did not want us NOT to speak. He said he wanted to feel free to call/text me and he wanted me to feel free to call/text him.

I went OUT OF THE COUNTRY for 2 weeks (isn't that enough space?), and called him only once, the night of the NBA championship final to ask him who was winning and chat about it. I sent a few texts that were just photos of the sights I was seeing, and he responded normally. During that one phone call he said he missed me, in a heavy tone, and said he'd been "thinking about things" and when I asked about what things, he said we'd talk when I got back.

When I returned from my trip and we saw each other, we instantly fell into each others arms, kissing, hugging, sweet nothings. He called after, spoke to me affectionately. I did not ask any questions about our relationship or his "space" period.

So I'm supposed to be cool with him kissing me passionately for 20 minutes telling me all sorts of romantic things, and then not calling for days? This after a 6 month intimate relationship?

I was hurt because it was totally contrary to our encounter. If some of you think I blew it by "chasing him into his cave" with this text this morning, you may be right, or you may be wrong. The fact is he has hijacked my life with his "space" crap and I was tired of speculating on whether he'd ever reappear or disappear forever and passively break up with me in that way, in order to move over the hump and get on with my work. Because I am not a cold person, I was unable to say simply, Que sera, sera, and move on without caring about him calling or not. I made contact. If that's enough to send him running, after 5 great months together, I think that's messed up and unfair.

Let me ask you this: Is it normal cave behavior to come out of the cave, see your girl, kiss and make out with her like teenagers, then go back into the cave and act as if nothing happened?

By the text he sent me back this morning, I don't think he had any intention of clarifying the situation and I would have been waiting a long time (or forever) for a verdict. Yes, I can go on with my life and have a full social calendar, but I am not made of stone-- I love him, and the pain would not dissipate despite my easy/breezy outward appearance. I also have the type of job that requires my full focus, and anything that affects my mood jeopardizes it. He knows this.

My friends point out that they think he felt inadequate with his unhappiness with his job/life instability compared to my professional success as well as our financial differences. They think he had already made the decision to detach from me and seeing me made it difficult for him to execute his decision, which is why he disappeared after our romantic reunion on Monday.

I don't know if this is rubber banding. Or the cave. And Yes, I have read all the books. I know the Wise Woman is supposed to sit tight and act totally unaffected. I never lost my cool on him. I never insulted him, cried, or said anything dramatic beyond "I don't understand your silence." If this morning's text was such a strategic failure on my part, so be it. But I could not live with the uncertainty. Now at least I know it's done. And on Monday morning I will get back to work with this relationship behind me.

He may come back. He may not. But even if he does I can't see him in the same light. Abusing me with indifference is more than I need to accept at this point in my life.

I am curious thought (because I am human) if this is really the end or there's going to be an Act III to this saga. I wonder if he's going to reappear. Make contact, after all this blows over and there's been a bigger block of time separating us. Any predictions?



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Offlineanad
post 06/24/11 07:49 PM
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To me, Delfina, you sound like a warm, giving, loving V that has her head together...completely agree with everything you wrote in your last post...I don't think you blew anything...I think you acted rationally, calmly...and you are right to question if he hangs the moon...



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