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> Totally Confused And Waiting..., Rubber Banding or Wanting Out?
OfflineDelfina
post 10/10/11 07:15 PM
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Wow, You all make such excellent points. Thank you so much for taking the time to share and respond here. Your kindness is much appreciated. smile.gif

AK: I can tell you why I got involved with him. He came along at a point in my life when I was quite isolated having been so focused on my work for so long, ready to fall in love after many years single, and interested in finding someone to build a future with. He showed up in my life, we had instant chemistry and attraction, he came on very strong, and we had a very fun, beautiful six months together. I knew about the problems but told myself not to be a snob or so judgmental and overlooked them.

JR: You are right, it is not un-Christian to let him go, and with kindness. I've done it before in my life. I guess, even though for all practical purposes I've adjusted to life without him, I miss him a lot and know I will continue to miss him. It's melancholy. Nostalgia. I've always been one to hold on to people I care for long after they've let go.

Meandering: You're right too, "If you love someone..."

Hecate and AK: I understand now about the avoiding guys with problems advice. Wish I'd known that then. My mom is always saying you can choose you who you fall in love with (I always disagreed), and maybe she has a point.

MK: I don't exactly see myself as a martyr. I don't feel I'm being abused. When I last saw him he gave me answers I needed. One important one was that he loved me. It showed me our relationship hadn't been an illusion and was in fact something meaningful. I don't regret finding that out.

WTW: I think you're right, about how women are sometimes raised not to put themselves first.

Bottom line, perhaps I got involved with him because I was at a lonely point in my life. And he was also very charming, handsome, and we got along beautifully. I thought he was the perfect man and would have been the catch of the century if he came in a more socially acceptable package (more financially stable etc). I wasn't picky about those things because everyone close to me is "self-made" and rags to riches sort so I figured he was just on his way down that road, working toward a better life. His having kids didn't bother me. He said he wanted more kids, though a male friend told me guys will say anything to get the girl.

I know it's stupid that I still feel the desire to keep him in my life in a small way. It's hard to think I have to go back to that solitary place I was in when I met him a year ago, and start all over. I don't go out much, I don't have a big social circle where I live, and my work schedule is extremely demanding, so it's very hard to meet people. I also live in a famously superficial city where it's hard to get a guy to notice you if you don't have breast implants or hair extensions. And I'm not exactly outgoing. So...back to the drawing board.

I fluctuate between these strong feelings that he and I are meant to be together to other bolts of clarity when I feel that the universe is trying to liberate me from a very complicated future with him.

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OfflineMandyKay
post 10/10/11 09:49 PM
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QUOTE (Delfina @ 10/10/11 06:15 PM) *
MK: I don't exactly see myself as a martyr. I don't feel I'm being abused. When I last saw him he gave me answers I needed. One important one was that he loved me. It showed me our relationship hadn't been an illusion and was in fact something meaningful. I don't regret finding that out.

I didn't think you were abused. I was speaking in general --just to clarify.



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Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.
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OfflineDelfina
post 10/10/11 11:38 PM
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MK: I know that's not what you meant. I didn't mean it so literally either. I meant regarding what you wrote, I didn't feel like my ex-M was such a bad guy, more like he's just a guy with not all his pieces in place. A good heart but just wrong for the type of relationship I wanted. I didn't take it as mistreatment of me as much as I took it as him failing at having a fully realized adult relationship.
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Offlineakasha
post 10/17/11 09:28 AM
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I read all 115 pages of posts. Thank you, Delfina, for sharing. And thank you all for your replies. I think this thread has lots and lots of good advice that everyone can use for themselves also.

Wish you all the love and luck you deserve Del. And I think that you will eventually find that with the right most perfect M for you. One that will lift you up and not suck you emotionally dry..

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