Totally Confused And Waiting..., Rubber Banding or Wanting Out? Options

[Delfina]

Here's the situation: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months-- a pretty perfect relationship, no fights, no disagreements, perfect harmony, great chemistry, physical intimacy, and an all-around great time. We got together because he actively pursued me for about a month before our first date. He was very romantic-- writing me poems and bringing me roses frequently. We settled into a great, promising, relationship, spending every weekend together at my place, and had a routine of speaking on the phone about 5 times a day from the drive to work in the morning till about an hour talking until we both fell asleep at night (we didn't see each other during the week usually because we live about 45 minutes apart). We openly referred to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, which he initiated first. I felt really great about things. I thought he was The One.

Out of NOWHERE about 3 weeks ago he tells me: "I feel different, I feel strange, I feel that I should miss you more than I do. Let's take some space." I said we needed to see each other (we hadn't in about 2 weeks), but he said that would be "forcing" it. I became frantic but tried to keep cool. I asked if he had any complaints or concerns about our relationship, if I'd pressured him in any way, and he said NO, that our relationship is great, he's been very happy, just that he feels overwhelmed and needs space. So we didn't speak for 3 days (I was suffering), then he starts texting and finally calls and apologizes for what he said, says he misses me very much, but reiterates that he needs some space, to think, as I occupy all his free time and mental space (he actually said that), and there is no other woman, he just needs time alone with himself.

*A few facts: I am 34 and he is 38, divorced 8 years, and has 2 kids ages 14 and 9, who live in his home country. I have never been married and have no children. He has had many financial pressures lately, job stresses (started an exhausting new job that he hates, and is trying to find something better), is also in school in the evenings), and has much more stress than I do as I am pretty successful at my career, work from home, and am much more financially stable, though money has never come up as an issue between us (I'm very low-maintenance). I understand he has a far more complicated life than I do and have always been supportive, and respect that he needs time to deal with many practical concerns. But I don't see why he needs to push me away. I also see that we were extremely involved in each other's lives those first 5 months and it's sort of an impossible standard to maintain so many we needed to readjust the excessive phone calls, etc. So I tried to be patient and give him his time without being a needy nag.

It happened that I already had a trip planned and was out of town for the next 2 weeks. Normally when I travel we speak just as often, but this time we spoke on the phone only once (I called him), and texted a few times, while I noticed his tone had become very distant. I came back from my trip and texted him I was home. He called me (sounding distant) and I said I'd like to see him but he said he didn't think it was possible since it was Father's Day and he was going to his relatives's place. He never called back till Monday when he happened to be working in my area and said we could see each other briefly if it was OK with me. I went, tried to be warm, not hostile or hurt, and when we saw each other we were both grinning and fell right into each other's arms kissing and hugging for 15 minutes straight till he had to go back to work. He was like a new man-- or I should say the old man I knew and loved, he seemed to come alive again! He called me a half an hour later to tell me how great it was to see me and he wished he could have had more time with me, and he sounded so happy and giddy. He said: I will call you later or tomorrow. I (mistakenly) said: Call me later if you can. The result is that he has NOT called or texted me again since, and I am totally perplexed.

I have no idea what the hell is happening!! Is he still taking his space? How long is this going to last? I've been reading my Mars/Venus books and have restrained myself from calling or texting him but this wall of silence is absolutely killing me. What do I do? What does it mean? Is this just the beginning of the end, and is he really trying to ease his way out of the relationship or is this a natural part of "rubber banding" or "uncertainty" or the "cave"? I really thought we were back on track after that beautiful sweet encounter on Monday but I guess I was wrong. I don't want to be a fool here, running on false hope. I do love him and want to be with him and pray this is just a phase, but I am too old for this kind of torture. Help please!!

[Meandering]

I totally agree with this

I think it is way too soon to know whether to fold or not. When he does come back, maybe he can share with you what was going on with him during this period.

However.... I think you need to rethink that whole diva thing and see what kind of diva you can be...if you want to.

You see, here is the deal; your M doesn't really have enough time to give you more than he was, and giving you what he was giving you made other things take the back burner in his life that couldn't be put off forever. In order for HIS life to be more in balanced, he may need to back off the amount of time he was spending with you even though you would like more time than you were getting. I think this is what is going on here. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now about that inner diva A common suggestion for how a V can reach out without pursuing is to ask her M for help in something simple that M is perfect for. If your M is a fix it kind of guy for example, maybe you need his advice, or fix it man help, with the garbage disposal or a toilet or something like that? Or he's good with computers and you need his help with that.... you get the picture!

And while he is helping you with that, I'd like to see you pull out your inner diva, wag your finger and say something in a bit of a sassy upbeat tone like "M, I REALLY like you, and I've missed you, darnit. " Followed by....."I completely understand your need for space, and I appreciate that you shared your need with me rather than just disappearing. It's made me feel all kinds of things, including anxious about "us". I need you to trust me and know that I understand your life has little time in it over and above your work and school hours, and as much as I miss you, I can work with you on that and compromise in some way so that we can still see each other regularly while your life has such a time crunch. I would like for us to be working "together" to make that happen and to find solutions that fit both of our needs. "

Pause and let him speak.....