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> Totally Confused And Waiting..., Rubber Banding or Wanting Out?
OfflineDelfina
post 06/23/11 09:40 AM
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Here's the situation: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months-- a pretty perfect relationship, no fights, no disagreements, perfect harmony, great chemistry, physical intimacy, and an all-around great time. We got together because he actively pursued me for about a month before our first date. He was very romantic-- writing me poems and bringing me roses frequently. We settled into a great, promising, relationship, spending every weekend together at my place, and had a routine of speaking on the phone about 5 times a day from the drive to work in the morning till about an hour talking until we both fell asleep at night (we didn't see each other during the week usually because we live about 45 minutes apart). We openly referred to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, which he initiated first. I felt really great about things. I thought he was The One.

Out of NOWHERE about 3 weeks ago he tells me: "I feel different, I feel strange, I feel that I should miss you more than I do. Let's take some space." I said we needed to see each other (we hadn't in about 2 weeks), but he said that would be "forcing" it. I became frantic but tried to keep cool. I asked if he had any complaints or concerns about our relationship, if I'd pressured him in any way, and he said NO, that our relationship is great, he's been very happy, just that he feels overwhelmed and needs space. So we didn't speak for 3 days (I was suffering), then he starts texting and finally calls and apologizes for what he said, says he misses me very much, but reiterates that he needs some space, to think, as I occupy all his free time and mental space (he actually said that), and there is no other woman, he just needs time alone with himself.

*A few facts: I am 34 and he is 38, divorced 8 years, and has 2 kids ages 14 and 9, who live in his home country. I have never been married and have no children. He has had many financial pressures lately, job stresses (started an exhausting new job that he hates, and is trying to find something better), is also in school in the evenings), and has much more stress than I do as I am pretty successful at my career, work from home, and am much more financially stable, though money has never come up as an issue between us (I'm very low-maintenance). I understand he has a far more complicated life than I do and have always been supportive, and respect that he needs time to deal with many practical concerns. But I don't see why he needs to push me away. I also see that we were extremely involved in each other's lives those first 5 months and it's sort of an impossible standard to maintain so many we needed to readjust the excessive phone calls, etc. So I tried to be patient and give him his time without being a needy nag.

It happened that I already had a trip planned and was out of town for the next 2 weeks. Normally when I travel we speak just as often, but this time we spoke on the phone only once (I called him), and texted a few times, while I noticed his tone had become very distant. I came back from my trip and texted him I was home. He called me (sounding distant) and I said I'd like to see him but he said he didn't think it was possible since it was Father's Day and he was going to his relatives's place. He never called back till Monday when he happened to be working in my area and said we could see each other briefly if it was OK with me. I went, tried to be warm, not hostile or hurt, and when we saw each other we were both grinning and fell right into each other's arms kissing and hugging for 15 minutes straight till he had to go back to work. He was like a new man-- or I should say the old man I knew and loved, he seemed to come alive again! He called me a half an hour later to tell me how great it was to see me and he wished he could have had more time with me, and he sounded so happy and giddy. He said: I will call you later or tomorrow. I (mistakenly) said: Call me later if you can. The result is that he has NOT called or texted me again since, and I am totally perplexed.

I have no idea what the hell is happening!! Is he still taking his space? How long is this going to last? I've been reading my Mars/Venus books and have restrained myself from calling or texting him but this wall of silence is absolutely killing me. What do I do? What does it mean? Is this just the beginning of the end, and is he really trying to ease his way out of the relationship or is this a natural part of "rubber banding" or "uncertainty" or the "cave"? I really thought we were back on track after that beautiful sweet encounter on Monday but I guess I was wrong. I don't want to be a fool here, running on false hope. I do love him and want to be with him and pray this is just a phase, but I am too old for this kind of torture. Help please!!
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Offlinedunnc
post 06/24/11 03:19 PM
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And, you know what, Mandy Kay. There men do think more like women. It depends on their chemistry and if they have been predominately raised by woman/women. My son talks about his feelings and really shares a lot that most men wouldn't dream of saying (he is in his 30s). But, his wife is very controlling b/c she is very insecure and won't allow him his space. He feels she has strangled the love out of him.
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OfflineMandyKay
post 06/24/11 03:35 PM
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QUOTE (dunnc @ 06/24/11 02:19 PM) *
And, you know what, Mandy Kay. There men do think more like women. It depends on their chemistry and if they have been predominately raised by woman/women. My son talks about his feelings and really shares a lot that most men wouldn't dream of saying (he is in his 30s). But, his wife is very controlling b/c she is very insecure and won't allow him his space. He feels she has strangled the love out of him.

Yes, totally aware of this and how important it is to encourage these type of guys to have "man" time. I recently re-read the original M/V along with a few other M/V books.

Unfortunate for your son.


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Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.
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Posts in this topic
- Delfina   Totally Confused And Waiting...   06/23/11 09:40 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   Delfina, people come here all the time, hoping we...   06/23/11 10:47 AM
- - annakarenina   The only thing you can do is leave him alone. Com...   06/23/11 11:21 AM
- - Delfina   Thanks so much for your insight. I can't tell ...   06/23/11 11:39 AM
- - annakarenina   He is apparently under a great deal of stress, ove...   06/23/11 11:45 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   I know that's what your fear is, but it's ...   06/23/11 11:51 AM
- - MandyKay   JR is spot on that by giving him space, you are no...   06/23/11 12:44 PM
- - Delfina   Thank you so much Jessicarabbit and AnnaKarenina. ...   06/23/11 01:02 PM
- - MandyKay   Rubberbanding is when a man pulls away due to incr...   06/23/11 01:35 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   Delfina, you keep asking questions that require a ...   06/23/11 01:35 PM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (jessicarabbit97 @ 06/23/11 12:35 ...   06/23/11 01:46 PM
- - MandyKay   And even if he does turn around and decide you are...   06/23/11 01:45 PM
- - Delfina   Thanks so much to all of you who've offered ad...   06/23/11 01:47 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   Many of us HAVE been through this before, but ther...   06/23/11 01:54 PM
- - MandyKay   I have been with two men who "needed space...   06/23/11 01:59 PM
- - Delfina   Thank you so much ladies. Well, I did have this ex...   06/23/11 02:12 PM
- - MandyKay   He reclaims his autonomy during the week when he d...   06/23/11 02:25 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   Delfina, when I had this experience five years ago...   06/23/11 02:32 PM
- - MandyKay   What JR said. I have no tolerance for that b.s. Li...   06/23/11 02:42 PM
- - Meandering   Well... hello and welcome and big hugs to you B...   06/23/11 02:50 PM
- - Delfina   Thanks Meandering. I thought that too-- he does ha...   06/23/11 03:03 PM
- - TryingHard   Delfina - First of all I totally empathize with y...   06/23/11 03:16 PM
- - Delfina   Sorry, I to add this--- I meant to include it earl...   06/23/11 03:30 PM
- - MandyKay   Do you have plans to see each other this weekend? ...   06/23/11 03:42 PM
- - Delfina   MK, No, we have no plans for this weekend. He call...   06/23/11 03:46 PM
- - MandyKay   Go ahead and make your own plans for the weekend. ...   06/23/11 04:29 PM
- - Hope   Hi Delfina. Welcome and I'm truly sorry you a...   06/23/11 04:31 PM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (Hope @ 06/23/11 03:31 PM) When I ...   06/23/11 04:37 PM
- - Meandering   Definitely a fantastic post Hope!!!...   06/23/11 04:56 PM
- - Hope   Why, thank you, MK and Meandering.   06/23/11 05:19 PM
- - Delfina   Thank you all, Hope, MandyKay, TryingHard, and oth...   06/23/11 05:41 PM
- - dunnc   You said "He called me on Monday after seein...   06/23/11 05:45 PM
- - Meandering   I totally agree with this QUOTE I think it is way ...   06/23/11 07:32 PM
- - Meandering   The flip side to all of that is: you may not be o...   06/23/11 07:35 PM
- - jerseygirl   I actually don't think it's making a mount...   06/23/11 07:47 PM
- - Delfina   Thanks dunnc, Meandering, and Jerseygirl. To be ...   06/23/11 08:00 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   Delfina, I think you're confusing the "di...   06/23/11 08:28 PM
- - Delfina   JR, I get it. But basically I am a Diva in that my...   06/23/11 08:38 PM
|- - Sophia   QUOTE (Delfina @ 06/23/11 08:38 PM) Yes,...   06/23/11 09:12 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   Men who don't end it, do it because they don...   06/23/11 09:04 PM
- - Hope   Diva means "fine lady" or "goddess,...   06/23/11 09:29 PM
- - aussiegirl   QUOTE (jessicarabbit97 @ 06/24/11 04:02 ...   06/23/11 09:45 PM
- - Delfina   Thanks everybody. You're all so generous with ...   06/23/11 11:07 PM
- - aussiegirl   Well if it was me, I'd be calling him and sayi...   06/24/11 12:21 AM
- - Healing Light   Maybe it's just me, but I think it sounds perf...   06/24/11 01:32 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   HL, I don't think *time* is the issue that she...   06/24/11 09:29 AM
- - Delfina   Well, a bit of news this morning. I was very sad l...   06/24/11 09:44 AM
- - dunnc   If it were me, I would not give him any messages w...   06/24/11 09:47 AM
- - MandyKay   dunnc, I understand what you are saying. I complet...   06/24/11 11:02 AM
- - MandyKay   BTW, you can always process your feelings through ...   06/24/11 11:11 AM
- - Meandering   I want to emphasize that no matter what you do, wi...   06/24/11 11:42 AM
- - MandyKay   I forgot about your 6 month rule For whatever rea...   06/24/11 11:46 AM
- - Delfina   Thanks everyone, for your support. It means a lot....   06/24/11 12:01 PM
- - Meandering   QUOTE I forgot about your 6 month rule laugh.gif F...   06/24/11 12:32 PM
- - jessicarabbit97   I'm sorry, Delfina. I hate that for you. I w...   06/24/11 12:49 PM
- - Healing Light   Even though I didn't have the same take as the...   06/24/11 02:19 PM
- - dunnc   I just know I'm going to get blown out of the ...   06/24/11 02:52 PM
|- - annakarenina   dunnc, Everything you said is exactly right. This...   06/24/11 02:58 PM
|- - anad   QUOTE (dunnc @ 06/24/11 12:52 PM) TRUST ...   06/24/11 05:55 PM
- - MandyKay   Well, maybe I am lucky because my M thinks like a ...   06/24/11 03:04 PM
- - dunnc   Delfina, Take heart, I don't think you have t...   06/24/11 03:12 PM
- - MandyKay   How long is a healthy amount of time to "leav...   06/24/11 03:48 PM
|- - annakarenina   QUOTE (MandyKay @ 06/24/11 12:48 PM) ...   06/24/11 04:08 PM
- - Meandering   I think everyone has a different tolerance level M...   06/24/11 04:21 PM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (Meandering @ 06/24/11 03:21 PM) I...   06/24/11 04:29 PM
- - MandyKay   I agree with you AK that there isn't much poin...   06/24/11 04:25 PM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (MandyKay @ 06/24/11 03:25 PM) I a...   06/24/11 04:38 PM
- - annakarenina   Well, I think you are probably right, if a man has...   06/24/11 04:47 PM
- - dunnc   I'm laughing at Annakarenina's post. The...   06/24/11 05:11 PM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (dunnc @ 06/24/11 04:11 PM) I...   06/25/11 11:36 AM
- - TryingHard   wow - so much going on there - not sure what to wr...   06/24/11 05:32 PM
- - Meandering   First of all, before too many generalizations star...   06/24/11 05:53 PM
|- - anad   QUOTE (Meandering @ 06/24/11 03:53 PM) I...   06/24/11 06:00 PM
- - Meandering   Let me clarify what I meant about giving him the s...   06/24/11 06:46 PM
- - anad   I would feel yanked around, by this point...   06/24/11 06:48 PM
- - anad   And, Delfina, I am not advocating that you kick th...   06/24/11 06:58 PM
- - jerseygirl   I don't see this at all as a man/woman issue. ...   06/24/11 07:25 PM
- - Delfina   Hi Everyone. Thnak you all for this wonderful disc...   06/24/11 07:38 PM
- - anad   To me, Delfina, you sound like a warm, giving, lov...   06/24/11 07:49 PM
- - Meandering   Predictions? Hmmm... well, I do like to believe t...   06/24/11 07:51 PM
- - TryingHard   I think the whole thing just sex and I'm sorry...   06/24/11 07:56 PM
- - jerseygirl   What kind fo explanation could make this kind of h...   06/24/11 07:57 PM
- - aussiegirl   Ok, whoa - time out here. This M is NOT CAVING. ...   06/24/11 10:25 PM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (aussiegirl @ 06/24/11 09:25 PM) W...   06/25/11 11:59 AM
- - Meandering   jersey, I'm not suggesting his explanation wil...   06/25/11 12:09 AM
- - Delfina   Goodmorning everyone. Aussiegirl, just to be clea...   06/25/11 10:24 AM
|- - Sophia   QUOTE (Delfina @ 06/25/11 10:24 AM) I...   06/25/11 11:04 AM
- - TryingHard   Delfina - Again, I am so sorry for your pain...   06/25/11 10:51 AM
- - annakarenina   Delfina, Please, please do not think if it as a g...   06/25/11 10:54 AM
|- - MandyKay   QUOTE (annakarenina @ 06/25/11 09:54 AM)...   06/25/11 12:04 PM
- - Delfina   Thanks everybody. I guess "game" is th...   06/25/11 11:24 AM
- - Meandering   QUOTE What I mean is that to not answer his call w...   06/25/11 11:39 AM
- - anad   Delfina...I do think you have learned how importan...   06/25/11 11:47 AM
- - MandyKay   Delfina, I am now getting to you. I'm so sorry...   06/25/11 12:14 PM
- - aussiegirl   Delfina, I know you didn't think it was caving...   06/25/11 08:53 PM
- - Hope   I'll try not to beat a dead horse, but I agree...   06/26/11 09:20 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   EXCELLENT post, Hope.   06/26/11 09:26 AM
- - jessicarabbit97   You described the difference between game playing ...   06/26/11 09:27 AM
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