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> A Good Sign?
OfflineGreymoya
post 04/17/11 06:32 PM
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My M has been rubberbanding the last couple weeks, and I think he's coming back and could use some impartial people to tell me if I'm right or not!

We've been dating about 4.5 months, but we've known each other for 21 years. See my previous post for details, but 2 weeks ago I acted really horrible and picked a bunch of fights, and it resulted in him telling me he "needs some space" and that he wants to go back to "dating" status instead of BF/GF. He's in the middle of a divorce, and even though it's VERY amicable, he just wants to make sure that he and I are together because we really are compatible and can have a life together. He said he thinks I probably AM that person, but he wants to take things slower to make sure.

In other words, classic "Uncertainty" and rubberbanding.

So in the week since we had this talk, I've been sitting tight and letting him contact me. So far we've talked every day except one day, always initiated by him. The only time I contacted him first was to email him an article about a movie I know his sons liked, and didn't send it as an attempt to get his attention or anything, I just really thought his kids might want to see it. He sent me a "thank you" and I let it go at that. He and I both play World of Warcraft, and when he logs on if I'm already playing, I ignore him and wait for him to initiate a conversation...he always does. So far, every day this week except Tuesday, we've talked at least for a couple minutes. I always keep it fun and flirty and try to make him laugh and feel good. Neither of us likes to talk on the phone, so for us, texting and talking on WoW is how we have always talked between actual dates. In fact, right now as I type this, we're having a cute flirty text conversation smile.gif

I can tell he's relaxing, because he's already started saying things like how he misses me, sending me ((hugs)) and last night he asked me if he could see me some night this week. And I truly honestly am not minding this step back, it's made me appreciate that much more when he does contact me. I really feel like we are meant to be together, so if he needs some time to make all the moves and have a bit more time to himself, then I'm okay with that.

But I keep thinking, a guy who contacts me every day sure isn't rubberbanding very hard... Is it a good sign that he hasn't really backed off that much, or should I be worried that he hasn't backed off far enough to really do the thinking that Ms need to do when in Uncertainty? If and when we do get back into Exclusivity, I want to know that he's really 100% ready this time.

Thanks in advance!
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OfflineSophia
post 04/17/11 07:22 PM
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I remember you posted recently about this M and it really is best to keep everything in one thread so people don't have to go searching for your history.

From what I remember, it wasn't clear whether this M was in uncertainty or simply not in a place for a relationship. You say he might be rubberbanding, but rubberbanding is completely different and usually occurs when a M needs to regain his autonomy after intimacy and then he bounces back. If this M has been pulling back for 2 weeks and told you he wanted to step back to "dating" he certainly was NOT rubberbanding. He is more likely uncertain about moving the relationship forward or, due to his divorce, kids and other issues, not in a good place for a relationship.

Either way, your role is the same. Pull yourself completely back, release expectations, and plant yourself in observation mode. Is this M giving you what you want? Is he stepping up to the plate? Or is he non committal ? Only time will tell if he is willing or able to resume exclusivity or keep things casual. If it was me in your shoes, I would also be looking to date other Ms to keep my mental pursuit in check.
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OfflineMandyKay
post 04/17/11 07:35 PM
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You need to plant yourself firmly in attraction since you two are now "just dating". Do not act like you did when you were in a relationship. Do not talk to him everyday. Be open to dating other Ms. If a man told me he needed space I'd give him alllllll the space he needed by firmly planting myself physically and mentally in Attraction.

Mentally, You are WAY ahead of him, defining his behavior as "rubberbanding". No way does the rubberband last weeks. THIS isn't rubberbanding. It could be uncertainty...in which case, it's your job to continue to multi-date. Additionally, you are claiming you feel you two are "meant to be together". Mentally, your mind is in Exclusivity. You are being mentally active. Your thoughts should be, "Do I like what this M is doing? Do I like that I haven't seen him in a few weeks? Do I like that he opens the doors? Do I like how he treats me?..."

Live your life and let this M work for you. Do not play your game as much as you used to. It gives him an easy way to contact you, keep tabs on you and to see you are "sitting at home" rather than out with other Ms. He needs to see you as a prize and work to win you. He doesn't have to go far and he knows that he has won you over, since you log on and "see" him. You are delivering yourself up like a pizza. A man value what he hunts for. I hate to burst your bubble.

Is this positive? Only time will tell. The rubberband doesn't need to go far, a man doesn't need weeks or months of pulling away to feel his desire for his V. A few hours can be enough for a man to regain his testosterone levels and reestablish his testosterone levels--THAT is what rubberbanding is about. It isn't "I need space".

I wouldn't care so much where his head is at but more where your head is at and how this all makes you feel.


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Offlinemarsoe
post 04/17/11 08:44 PM
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Great post, MandyKay. It points out how moving through the phases are more about being in the right frame of mind than an actual set of specific actions.

Sophia, I got the same impression from reading your text; be careful not to lose yourself here. If you feel overwhelmed consider to speak with a coach. Bottom line of this is that you complained that you didn't see him enough and he moved away from you. I can understand that the spontaneous reaction is to grasp even more after him, but it is not a healthy approach for you. Please take the advice MandyKay gives.


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