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> Exes Alive In Current Relationship
OfflineSaraN
post 01/21/11 01:43 PM
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I have been with my boyfreind for 10 months and its about a month that I have moved in, we live together happily and without any problem, his family accpeted me very well , etc...
my only problem that bothers me on daily basis is that he got a female friend which is so close to her and he mentions she is now like his sister but they were used to be teenage sweethearts, they have lived together for a year and she was pregnant with his baby at that time, which they have lost the baby during pregnancy. They broke up 16 years ago.
any ways now she got 3 kids one of them with a spinal problem which my boyfreind has helped a lot during this problem, he used to babysit for them ( she and her husband) 2 days a week as a friend and still does. He used to talk about them all the time, even in bed. Then I became so upset and now he doesn't talk about the woman at all, but talks about the kids all the time. I get this feeling that if I ever have a baby with him he would never love him/her more than these kids.

He says that's because that kid teached him alot about life and god and its a spiritual thing between them, which I appreciate. But all that family has preiority on me and my relationship which bothers me now everyday and I think all of this is because he still got feeling for the woman and he even doesnt realise it.
The couple are nice people and I really don't think there is anything non-innocent between my boyfriend and his ex, but the feeling that I am the second priority and he is always thinking about them and there is no single day which he doesn't talk about one of them bothers me that much I think I can't bear the situtaion for long. He has told me he would never decrease his relationship with this family ever. Then I just have to decide can I deal with that or not. And what is bothering me as well is that once he was thinking about proposing to me he asked her opinion and she told its not the time yet, the thing is bothering me is why he had to ask her opinion, and I really don't like the influence she has on him. I have good relationship with my ex myself but its not like that and I really don't think its normal.
Once I even left him for this for couple of days but I loved him so much that I could't leave him properly.and he got another girlfirend who has leaved him for the same reason.
He admits that he loves the disable kid more than anything in this world which is fine, but I'm not sure its not because of the kid's mother.
Please guide me , am I so paranoic or what.
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Offlineannakarenina
post 01/21/11 02:27 PM
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I think he has bonded to the disabled child. That child will always be a priority to him.
He sounds like a wonderful man to me who would be a good father, a good husband
and a good friend.

My own M is close to his former girlfriend and her daughter and it does not bother me
a bit. The former girlfriend helped him when he had a terrible accident for which I
am very grateful to her.

If you choose to stay with him, you will have to put up with his love for that boy,
you cannot change that.

You will pick a fight you can't win if you try to stop him from seeing that child.
What I don't understand is knowing how you felt about his attachment to that family,
why did you move in with him? Did you think you would be able to stop him?


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Offlinejerseygirl
post 01/21/11 08:36 PM
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I think the problem is not that she is an ex, but that he simply has told you you will never be a priority. I don't think it's any different than my ex, who continually showed me his family was always going to be a priority (mother, sister, nephews, etc). Of course they should be important to him and I loved that he was close t them, BUT I often felt abandoned for them and felt the closeness was to a point that it became a barrier to our own ability to grow in intimacy. Now I know I need to be a priority to the man who claims to love me, he has to have my back, and he has to hold my feelings as at least as important than others he loves. I would worry that this M won't really be willing to commit to being a true husband to you, if he holds your feelings below others.
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Offlinemarsoe
post 01/21/11 08:39 PM
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QUOTE (SaraN @ 01/21/11 02:43 PM) *
I think all of this is because he still got feeling for the woman and he even doesnt realise it.

And what is bothering me as well is that once he was thinking about proposing to me he asked her opinion and she told its not the time yet, the thing is bothering me is why he had to ask her opinion, and I really don't like the influence she has on him.

He admits that he loves the disable kid more than anything in this world which is fine, but I'm not sure its not because of the kid's mother.

Please guide me , am I so paranoic or what.


I think there is no need to call yourself paranoid. You feel something is wrong here, and the way I read it, you are ok with his connection to the kids, it is him and the mother that bothers you. I must agree with you, it is not nice for you that she has influence over if he is going to propose to you or when. But I am not sure the problem is her it could also be that he is an immature person.

I am afraid you are the one who can decide if you can accept the very close friendship he has with her. Before you go out and act you could take some time to think over how you would like things to be. Perhaps you have friends who can help you to become clear where your limits are.

IMO you are not losing anything with him loving the kids but you have to come before her. Always.




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