Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register ) My Controls · View New Posts

3 Pages V   1 2 3 >  
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Dealing With Betrayal, When your spouse cheats what do you do?
Offlinelostinsunrise
post 01/20/11 01:42 PM
Post #1


AMVU Freshman
*
Gender: Venusian Venusian
Group: Registered Users
Posts: 1
Joined: 01/20/11
Relationship Status: Married



I have been married for 25 years, we have three children. In this time i have suspect my husband of cheating on several times but never had proof. Just before I got pregnant with my second child we heading for a divorce, he had moved out because I believed he was cheating on me. He kept coming around and I kept letting him in my bed resulting in my pregnancy. I had told him I still did not want him in my life and would still raise the child without him. He swore to he was not cheating and only moved because of the fighting, he came back home and it took a long time for me to forgive and move on. A few years later came our third child, and we had purchased a house and I thought all was going well until last year I started to notice a change.

Secret phone calls, and texting (this man hates texting) having to go to work at night or working late more than normal. Changing body habits, doing things he's never done before, like shaving where he's never shaved before if you get what I mean. I would question him and he would always have an answer then in July my world came crashing down, he told me he had a business trip. I knew right away it wasn't I've seen him pack a thousand times and he was not packing for business it was pleasure we fought and he left.

That morning a man came to my house and told me his wife went away with my husband. Showed me proof. That they work together. She works evenings, this would explain why he was staying late or going back to work. I had wish he had brought a gun to shoot me because it would had been less painfull.

I tried to get a filght to where he was at and couldn't, I couldn't reach him, so I just had to wait until he came home. So at first after a weekend of drinking, i decided to just wait and see what was going to happen, after a few weeks of spying and tracking it finally came out though he still try to deny it.

I am still with him, it has not been easy and we have had quite a few huge fights. I don't know for sure if they stop seeing each other or still have any commincation with each other, she is no longer employed where he works, I do try to keep a tight watch. I am trying to forgive him and move on, but I can't get over the negative images, my in sercurties, the pain, making love to him is so hard knowing he touched another women and her body parts where on him. Everytime he leaves the house by himself he is going where he says he is going.

I don't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth, if he says its raining i will get up and look for myself before I believe him. Like tonight he is suppose to go to a meet at his job this evening and even thought she does not work there I can't help but to wonder will he go meet her afterwards or if there even is a meeting. The funny thing is the last two times he has had to go to work in the evening he has asked me to join him this time he hasn't. So what am I to think?

Or am I just being mistrusting. Can anyone tell me how to get over this? I had a support system before but I don't anymore, I guess that is why I am having such a hard time with this, this time around my family don't know what happen and I don't have any friends not close that I can get out of the house to escape all of this crap all I have is him and my kids.








Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Offlineannakarenina
post 01/20/11 06:18 PM
Post #2


AMVU Senior
****
Gender: Venusian Venusian
Group: Registered Users
Posts: 4186
Joined: 09/28/06
From: california




Well, you are going to have to get tough.

Get some professional counseling to help you sort out what you want to do.
To me it would not be worth it to stay in a relationship where there was constant
mistrust, lies and fighting.

You must get advice from an attorney next. You need to
know what you are entitled to receive in the event of a divorce. In most states it will
be 50-50 unless he has assets that were his before the marriage or an inheritance which
has never been co-mingled with joint funds or assets. I would keep this to myself as
you sort through things.

Do you have a job? If not, you will probably need to get some training.

Good luck.

Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Offlineannakarenina
post 01/20/11 06:50 PM
Post #3


AMVU Senior
****
Gender: Venusian Venusian
Group: Registered Users
Posts: 4186
Joined: 09/28/06
From: california




Well, you are going to have to get tough.

Get some professional counseling to help you sort out what you want to do.
To me it would not be worth it to stay in a relationship where there was constant
mistrust, lies and fighting.

You must get advice from an attorney next. You need to
know what you are entitled to receive in the event of a divorce. In most states it will
be 50-50 unless he has assets that were his before the marriage or an inheritance which
has never been co-mingled with joint funds or assets. I would keep this to myself as
you sort through things.

Do you have a job? If not, you will probably need to get some training.

Good luck.

Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
OfflineShamal
post 01/20/11 07:05 PM
Post #4


AMVU Freshman
*
Gender: Venusian Venusian
Group: Registered Users
Posts: 117
Joined: 11/29/10
From: Deep South
Relationship Status: Single



QUOTE (lostinsunrise @ 01/20/11 11:42 AM) *
Or am I just being mistrusting. Can anyone tell me how to get over this? I had a support system before but I don't anymore, I guess that is why I am having such a hard time with this, this time around my family don't know what happen and I don't have any friends not close that I can get out of the house to escape all of this crap all I have is him and my kids.


Of COURSE you are being mistrusting, you have been betrayed...so he's doing a song a dance to be more open with you because he got busted and feels guilty, but exactly what real and definitive steps has he taken to address the core issues driving his infidelity?

I hear that you are feeling isolated and that your family doesn't know...can you tell them? Can you find a 12-step group, a women's shelter, a therapist, a crisis hotline, something someone ANYONE you can talk to who can help you find your way out? I know it's scary to consider, especially after 25 years of marriage, but if all you have is him, and he has been unfaithful possibly more than once and isn't actually doing some deep emotional work to address the issue, then what you have is a big huge emotional drain on your hands. Being sorry is not the same as actually being accountable and responsible for breaking trust and crazymaking behavior (treating you as if you have a problem because you don't trust while he is being deceptive).

Stop making love to him...you're re-traumatizing yourself again and again.

You may have to really inconvenience yourself and go somewhere far to stay with friends to get out of this situation, and that may seem scary...however, you have to consider your own sanity and well-being, plus your children's. They will be much better off with a mother who can get out of an unhealthy situation and eventually into a better one than in a home where there is so much toxicity. Even if you don't tell them what is going on, they KNOW something bad is happening. It's also very bad for them to try to pretend everything is ok when it's not, it teaches them to normalize bad and abusive behavior as adults and mistrust their own senses.

The first thing though, is, to definitely reach out further for help. It's hard to think clearly when you are isolated and in so much pain and fear, and other perspectives can help you sort through your options and help you to see your way through.

May you find the strength to put yourself first.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

3 Pages V   1 2 3 >
Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 

Time is now: 04/17/14 11:26 AM

1-888-MARS-VENUS