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> M's 'jokes'.
Offlinechiaroscuro
post 12/13/10 03:14 PM
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Hmmm....I actually have a similar issue with my M. He is a real wind up merchant and makes a lot of comments that I find somewhat offensive or annoying or just plain inappropriate. He does it to everyone so it isn't personal, although I've told him many times that I don't like it when he does it to me. Sometimes he tries to tone it down around me but other times he just goes right ahead and says things even though he must know I wouldn't like it.

To be honest it is a real turn off. In order to cope with it I have to balance it against his great qualities and the things he puts up with in me. For instance he is the kind of guy who if I were stressing at three in the morning, I could wake him up and have a relationship talk and he would do it. (Not that I do that BTW!). The other day I was worried about something and he spent a lot of time trying to make me feel better. He writes me love emails or texts virtually every day. He does what he says he will, and he is affectionate, open, trustworthy and emotionally available. Etc, etc.

But this whole wind up thing is such an intrinsic part of his personality that I know he will never stop doing it. And I will never stop disliking it. But there is so much else that is great about our relationship that it is worth it for me to look for a compromise on this. For us I think the best solution is just to meet each other half way and accept that this aspect is one of those less than perfect things. I'll suggest he tones it down around me, and I'll make the effort to overlook anything that falls into the annoying category although not the offensive category. I plan to talk to him about it soon.

Sarahk, maybe you can look at this issue in the context of your entire relationship. If this is just one of several things you aren't keen on, then maybe this is a sign this is the wrong guy. You do sound quite sensitive - nothing wrong with that, so am I! - and some of what he said would make some girls laugh, and other girls mad. But if he is a stellar guy in other ways, and you can see he is making an effort, it might be worth seeing if you can meet each other half way.


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Offlinecoolas
post 12/13/10 03:34 PM
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To be honest, I think you are over-reacting. Is he being a little crude in some of these instances? Possibly, but there's nothing that you mentioned that would really give me cause for pause.

I think you have two choices.. You either accept that at times this guy is going to come out with some stoopid comments and jokes that don't necessarily appeal to your sense of humour; or you stop going out with him. My boyfriend can have a bit of a goofy sense of humour; sometimes it can get a little irritating; but we have a great relationship on the whole! Nobody is perfect; nobody is going to behave the way we want them to at all times.

You don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. How about not taking yourself so seriously? Instead of getting upset and offended, why not roll your eyes and let it go? Ask yourself in the grand scheme of things whether a silly joke or stupid comment really matters if everything else in your relationship is good?

This is not to say that you should be in a relationship where you feel disrespected; but my feeling from reading your post is that this M is something of a jokester who sometimes doesn't engage brain before operating mouth. If everything else in your relationship is working well, I think you would be foolish to make this such a big issue.

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OfflineRadiantRedhead
post 12/13/10 06:43 PM
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Sarak,

Has it occurred to you that you may be encouraging this type of joking with your own words and behaviors? For example, why are you asking questions about other women while you are in bed? I realize you are not getting as crude, but can you see how you are encouraging him to be cruder than he may usually be?
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OfflinePhoenix51
post 12/13/10 08:35 PM
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I'm with Chia on this - as is often the case happy.gif

My M also has a style of humour that I don't always appreciate - and he knows it. He says he'll try and stop and then does it again and I have decided that he is a mature man who uses his brand of humour to deflect and he is not going to change at this time of life! He has taken the time to tell me why he does it and I understand. I'm sure I do things that irritate him too. In the great scheme of things, and when I put it against the heaps and heaps of positive things in our relationship, it really doesn't matter.

Personally I sense a little over-reaction from you, interpreting his comments other than how he means them. It seems you yourself suspect this, and others have said you do this too. So I would try and look at yourself and why it bothers you so much. We can always adapt our behaviours as we grow and spend time with different types of people, become more tolerant and broad-minded, if we want to. Having said all that - if it really does bother you so much, and it continues to do so, then those who say you simply aren't a match are dead on. You don't have to force yourself to fit a square peg into a round hole. Just, before you give up on him, try chilling out a bit and going with the flow. See what happens and... if you still feel uncomfortable despite your (and his) best efforts, well - you have your answer.

Good luck!
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