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> How To Tell Him My Needs Aren't Being Met..., ...without being a pain or too needy.
Offlinedkeene
post 10/07/10 12:32 PM
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Hello...

Before I get into my concern, I feel it be necessary to explain a little bit about my M and I's relationship first.
We are in our mid 20's. He and I had been good friends for a couple years before we actually started dating. Our falling for each other came as a bit of a surprise - was not expected to say the least. I had gotten out of a terrible 4-year relationship a year before, and have been jaded towards pretty much all male encounters after that. When he expressed his feelings to me though, it felt differently, and I realized I felt the same way. Since then, he has been the most amazing man. He has treated me with the utmost respect, our conversations have yet to die out, and I know that he truly cares for me. I think we both know that we will end up tying the knot someday...but we seem to mutually keep this to ourselves for the most part in fear that the other may think he/she is rushing things. It comes up now and then, but more so in a joking manner.

So...lately, the parts I loved most about the relationship are dying out. I am fully aware that "the honeymoon phase" doesn't last forever. We've been together for about a year now. But it perturbs me that this can be used as an excuse. Some of the best parts about him that I fell in love with, are now being claimed as "things I did to impress you" (he says) and he also feels he's doing enough still. And I'll admit, he's still great, and I'm probably being petty. But seeing each other only once or twice a week now, me suggesting all the plans, me being the one to make the phone calls 90% of the time, and me just making the most effort all together, is not cutting it. It takes me speaking up and being unhappy, for him to make the effort. I wish he would just do these things on his own again like he used to.
I know that maybe my mentioning my unhappiness would make him feel like a failure in some ways, and I don't intentionally mean to make him feel that way. But I wish he would at least fix that problem. He has in fact told me that making me happy has become very difficult lately. I wish I knew the right ways to tell him what's making me unhappy and suggest to him how to fix it, without making him feel crappy.

I worry he's going to stop wanting to fix these issues if things get too difficult. We both have our own insecurities that get in the way sometimes. Mine the most. I guess I just need some advice/suggestions on how to talk to him when I'm unhappy in a way that he'll actually listen, rather than think I'm just badgering him. Because that's what I feel like. A pain. And I know that my feelings/needs should not be considered a pain...

Thanks for listening.
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Onlineannakarenina
post 10/07/10 01:56 PM
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Don't you think he already knows he is not doing those things?
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OfflineMandyKay
post 10/07/10 02:15 PM
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Your feelings and needs are important, so don't feel like a pain. I think you've made some very common V mistakes.

The male motto: If it aint broke, don't fix it. Even if you say you are unhappy, your actions show him that he is doing his job because you are continuing to do and to give. We females will let our wells run dry and still give, wash the car, pick up the house, drive the kids to school, etc. When a man is too tired to do or give, he retreats and says "No." This is a major difference between men and woman. Basically, because you are doing and giving, he assumes you have the energy and desire to do so and he is happy to receive. Testosterone makes men lazy until they need to do "battle". We Vs can do battle at anytime.

As you continue to plan, make phone calls, take initiative, you are doing two things:

1.) You are taking the wind out of his manly sails. Men are happy to receive--sure--but the greatest gift to a man is when a woman receives. It is still his job to take the lead, to plan a majority of the dates, to woo you. You can do these things too, but never more than him. Men who receive too much have no desire to give to their woman and quite often end up wondering where there attraction for their woman went. It isn't gone, just hidden because the woman is taking his job.

and...

2.) You are teaching him that this is how you want to be treated and that everything is okay as it is. He assumes all is well because you wouldn't continue to do and give unless you were happy.

You must step back and let him take the lead. Stop calling him a majority of the time, stop planning dates. You can receptively suggest to him, "M, I'd love to go to dinner on Saturday night. What do you think?" but do not plan and take the lead. If he complains, ask again and say, "M, it makes me feel really special when you plan and take the lead. I'd really appreciate it."

Men do not respond to the "I'm unhappy," business. You must communicate in a direct and nonblaming way, "M, I would really like to see you more than once or twice a week. Maybe we could have a regular date night on Wed or Thurs night. What do you think?" Let him respond and come up with the plan. Most importantly: Be appreciative of the things he does.

Get busy with your own life, take the M-factor out of it for a bit and see how he responds. If a man is taking advantage of your good hearted nature, take back your power by making weekend plans with girlfriends, go on a trip, take a new class. Don't be cold and callus, just become the V you were before you lost yourself in "us". He may just be a lazy guy, or a man who lost his manly motivation (because you are doing everything) or not the right guy for you. Only time will tell.

It sounds like you two are a bit too comfy so read M/V on a Date and study up on the exclusivity stage, how to motivate a man and how to flirt with a man. It's easy to let flirting and graciousness slide as you become comfortable with one another, but these things are very important to stoke the fire of your relationship.

Good luck to you!



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Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.
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Onlineannakarenina
post 10/07/10 02:25 PM
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Exactly, MK.

The point is not to tell M that your " needs are not being met" and you are unhappy and he is
not doing this and that to make you happy and he is a failure.

Rather state simply " I like it when you do such and such."

That is the strategy that can work.

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