I Never Expected To Find Myself Back Here, After 7 happy months this came as a shock Options

[~aphrodite~]

Hi all MVers, I never expected to find myself back on here, and definitely not posting on this board

I met someone on a dating site at the beginning of the year. Things started off a little rocky, but we managed to clear up any misunderstandings and the relationship progressed well.
We started spending a lot of time together, and feelings grew.

At the end of March, I sold my house, and while waiting to move into my new house, I lived with him at his house for a month. It was bliss, he wasn't in employment at the time and he treated me like a princess, looking after me at his house, whilst working on my new house to make it into a home.
He said he had fallen in love with me during this time, and I felt the same.
We talked about the future and moving in together full time eventually, in the not too distant future.
Meanwhile his house was also up for sale, and in May, he had a buyer. My new house was now ready to move into, so I moved in there, and we began living together between both houses. The intention was that when his house sold he would come and live with me, &he would buy some properties to let with the money from his house sale.
His house sale didn't materialise, the buyer backed out.
One night we were drinking & I told him I was glad his sale hadn't happened as I felt it was too soon for us to make that commitment. I said a lot of other things too, and it was days later before I realised how much my words had hurt him.
From then onwards we never discussed the future again, it was a closed subject.

He was offered a 6 month contract of employment, 300 miles away, and he had to take it. The plan was for him to come home every other weekend to see me & also to see his son, and that I would try to go there as often as possible on the weekends in between.

As the time drew near for him to go he became increasingly miserable, saying he wasn't happy with his life, he hates the nature of his work as it means he has to travel around the country to find work, and he ends up living in grotty hotels or apartments alone.

He left almost four weeks ago, and so far we have managed to see each other every weekend, with me going there this past weekend. We spoke on the phone every day, often a few times a day. This past weekend I went there & we had a good weekend, he was as loving and affectionate as ever, although he seemed very withdrawn at times, and when he became quiet he looked so sad and unhappy. I asked what was wrong & he said his life was upside down, he had no goals, he had no money left, he was living in this place away from the people he wanted to be with, and that he no longer knew what he wanted or how his future looked. He didn't say specifically that he had a problem with us, so I thought all would be ok. He kept telling me he loved me and he was glad we had met.

I came back home and the next day he sent me a text message saying he was missing me already, which is the sort of thing he would usually do.

That evening he called as usual, then for a reason I can't explain, I went and logged on to the dating site where we met, put in a search for his city, and was shocked to find him there.
I called him and confronted him immediately. He said he didn't know why he'd done it, he would take it down, that he hadn't been in touch with anyone as he'd created it only a few days before. He said that was why he'd been so miserable over the weekend because he felt so bad every time he looked at me. We talked for hours, he asked if I could ever trust him again & I said I wasn't sure. He said he didn't want to lose me, that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and I was everything he wanted in a partner, so he didn't know why he had done it. He said he was confused and afraid, and didn't know where his life was going. He didn't know what the future held for us as this is his life, he will always have to work away from home, and that's what ruined his previous relationship. He said he was glad this had happened because it had forced this conversation on us, and we should have had it sooner. We spoke about our conversations from a few months ago, and he said exactly what I was already thinking. We agreed that we'd had the conversation about the future, discussed moving in together, made plans, and then it all just stopped. He said it was because of the things I had said that night when we'd been drinking, as I had suspected, and I told him again that I hadn't meant a lot of what was said.
His battery on his cell phone died and he said he'd call back. When he did, I ignored him three times, even though he left a voicemail each time. The third time he said he'd been waiting for my call, and as it hadn't come he presumed I was avoiding him so he was going to bed.
I eventually called him, and we said we'd speak the next day.

He called Tuesday evening and began by saying he didn't want to lose me. I told him I never thought that this would have happened, and we both agreed that we had felt that we had something special. He said I was the best friend that he'd ever had and that meant a lot to him. He asked if I thought he had ruined it all. He said he didn't think I could ever trust him again, and that the relationship would never be the same. He said he'd been looking for a long time before meeting me, that he fell head over heels in love with me, and couldn't explain why he'd done this. I was angry and hurt, and probably seemed cold with him, I didn't know what more to say. I guess I'd wanted him to beg forgiveness!
He asked where I saw the relationship going following our discussions the night before, and I said 'clearly nowhere from what you have said'. I told him I'd been to his house to collect my things, and he said it was clear that I had already made the decision. I told him that I thought he'd made the decision by doing what he'd done.
He said he'd be home at the weekend to collect his things from mine. I said I'd leave them in the garage & for him to post my keys through the letterbox. He said he wanted to call, and I said it would be too painful to see him. He said this was probably for the best as it was inevitable it would happen, he said our relationship would never have worked while he was working away, and the nature of his work meant he would be doing that for the next five years. He said he knew he'd regret this and he'd look back in a few months time knowing he'd thrown away the best thing he'd ever had.
We ended the call with him saying he'd call me on Saturday to see what I wanted to do about his things, as he'd like to see me and wanted us to part amicably.

I sent a text message to him in the middle of the night, saying that I couldn't sleep and I was lying here thinking about him, and feeling sad knowing that he'd never be here lying next to me again. I said I loved him and I would miss him.

Sorry this is long, but my question is, can this be salvaged?

We have both communicated badly, I think we both had a part to play in him doing what he eventually did. I took his love for granted and pushed him away, he told me once that he felt I was pushing him away, although he knew how much I loved him. It seems such a mess, but such a waste at the same time.

[Dolcissima]

Aphro, its so good to see you again. I'm sorry it is under these circumstances. I can't write much right now but my gut level instinct is that you need to let this guy go.

You were in a seven month relationship where there was serious talk of the future. You were right to feel uncomfortable about the pace and there was nothing wrong about saying so - even though you might have picked a better timing. It was too soon for that.

However, I do not believe his decision to Test the OLD dating waters was soley on account of what you said. It is a convenient way to put this on you. From what I have read about your convos it seems like he would like for this decision to be yours. This is very common. Guys will often create a situation that will prompt a break up because they lack courage to do it themselves.

Further, even though the pacing was fast, it doesn't negate the fact that for all intents and purposes you two were in a serious dating relationship. There is no reasonable excuse for what he did. I would never trust a man who chooses to deal with his relationship problems by focusing his attention towards other potential relationships. This is cheating. It has been my experience that a guy who is willing to do this will do it again and again. OLD just makes it too tempting not to.

I'm so sorry.

[Joy]

There is no reasonable excuse for what he did. I would never trust a man who chooses to deal with his relationship problems by focusing his attention towards other potential relationships. This is cheating. It has been my experience that a guy who is willing to do this will do it again and again. OLD just makes it too tempting not to.

ditto to what Dolci said.This is one major problem with old imo, guys just want to find another partner to move on to.. How long had he been alone when you met him?

He said he was confused and afraid, and didn't know where his life was going.

Let him find out where it is going...ALONE and without you.

[MBfromBoston]

I took his love for granted and pushed him away, he told me once that he felt I was pushing him away, although he knew how much I loved him.

Do not allow him to put the blame on this for you. Yes, in hindsight there are always situations that we would have handled differently, that's just life....but I do not get the impression that you took this M for granted.

You were in a committed r'ship. He broke your trust. And since he said that this could never work because of the distance you need to believe him. He has his own work to do.

Your work is to heal from this.