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> Frozen. How Do I Support Him?
Offlineintendingtoshine
post 06/30/10 07:26 AM
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Ugh.

I posted not that long ago about how lovely and awesome and swimmingly my life was going with my N.

We were talking about moving in together. We are in love. Blah blah blah.

Well, we've decided to shelve moving in for now. And honestly, although it stings a bit, it's probably the best decision for us both for today. Tomorrow might be different. But for today, it makes sense. We discussed it like adults and although we love eachother very much, it isn't good timing for either of us.

I feel helpless. We are both business owners and both of us are really struggling financially. I do feel like eventually it will all work out - it always does. But on top of all of these struggles to keep our businesses afloat, he just learned that he has a huge custody battle looming.

He's beside himself.

He is fairly talkative about this. I find him extremely emotionally mature (most of the time). He's definitely a true M (alpha male type). He feels helpless and is afraid he's going to lose his child custody. Some of which is really, really feasible given case history on the subject.

I have no idea how to support him right now. None. Do I give advice? Do I look for solutions? Do I sit there and look pretty? Ugh.

I'm so afraid right now. I obviously worry - then feel selfish because I'm worried he's going to feel overwhelmed and decide he can't handle "us" right now. I know that I can't control that. But this really has me afraid for us, for our future. If he loses this child, he is going to lose his mind. They are VERY close.

Anyhow, I'm venting - but any ideas on what my role can be and specific ideas for helping/supporting during this time would be helpful. I've got most of the M/V books, but specific chapter suggestions on supporting an M would be helpful. I feel frozen right now with fear and very worried for him (and us).
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Offlinejessicarabbit97
post 06/30/10 08:38 AM
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Doll, if you're close enough to talk about moving in together, you are close enough to simply ask him, "M, how can I best support you right now?"

Men typically prefer to deal with their problems on their own, and it usually means pulling back a bit. If he doesn't feel successful in his business, and now he feels unsuccessful with his children and presumably an ex-wife, then he really needs (most likely) to feel like he can have a bit of space with you. He doesn't need a lot of pressure, nor does he need you to be his mother.

As women, we don't understand this because we want and need the support of our friends, family and SOs.

But ask, he will probably be able to tell you.


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Grace happens.
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Offlineintendingtoshine
post 06/30/10 11:15 AM
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I have zero interest in being his mother.

I have asked - but honestly, I don't think he has any idea right now.

I guess we're both frozen.

This happened just last week. It's a huge blow. I guess I just wanted to know from an M/V perspective...

I do expect him to pull back and I will let him. He's rubber banded before and he bounces back.

Not a fun time.
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Offlineanad
post 06/30/10 11:31 AM
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Intending...

First, I can tell you first hand that custody battles are extremely stressful, in my book, it doesn't get more stressful.

Second, it is very, very difficult to lose custody of children...there usually needs to be abuse and addiction involved, and even them most courts feel joint custody is best for the child, even if there are problems.

So, unless your M is guilty of something pretty serious, chances are he will not lose his child.

As Jr stated, all you can do is ask him how you can best support him, and hang on, it could be a very bumpy ride for awhile
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