M's Money And Major Collisions, How to deal with it Options

[Isinga]

An update to my situation and here's hoping that someone can offer me some reassurance, advice, words of strength or even just an objective opinion.
Things have been up an down with regards to money. Improving all the time. We are both business people but I have learned that he needs to be the one making the most money. His business took a turn for the better recently and things were looking up. His mood improved a lot. He has some really deep seated insecurities and when these are triggered he withdraws his love completely and I have been getting some therapy to deal with the impact of this and it is helping a lot. I have learned that when he withdraws he becomes like a different person. He goes from loving, touchy feely, huggy, attentive, warm, very close and doing everything for me to show me he loves me to cold and withdrawn. It doesn't happen all that often and I know the triggers and just try to deal with it how I have been shown.
In the last year the business that I have which is a secondary business to his in that it doesn't support the family (although it does contribute to the bills etc) has had some big opportunity. His business was doing poorly at the time and he started to withdraw emotionally. The more I talked about my business the more he withdrew and he began to say that he wasn't interested in sex anymore. I can understand that he probably felt emasculated. Anyway one day he said to me that he didn't want to be married to a successful business woman. That really scared me and he has since said that he didn't mean it, that he was afraid I would not need him anymore and I would leave him behind.
He does say things when he withdraws and I was told by my therapist to ignore him. They are not abusive but they are scary. For example he said when he was on one of his moods that he has contempt for me most of the time. When he came back to himself he said that he doesn't and that he didn't mean it. But it really hurt. He doesn't show me contempt he just shows me love 99% of the time.
I think he has really deep seated jealously or something.
I am older than him by around 9 years but I look very good and look as good and better than women his age and younger. One day recently I was getting my hair done in the salon and he rang because he was worried about me as I was late. I was supposed to drive to meet him to go to an event. But the hair dresser kept me hours late and I said we probably wouldn't be going. It was an event I had asked him to accompany me on. He was very loving on the phone and then I was even delayed further in the hairdressers and by the time I got out to meet him he was still working and his mood had completely changed. I knew something was different. I think he was scared or worried I had gone somewhere but he wouldn't say it. I looked like a million bucks.We had a big argument: I asked him if he wanted to come to a party with me the next day. He said adamantly no way. I said I wanted to show off my new hair do. He was so sour and said he hates going to parties with me and would prefer to go without me. That he thinks that people think how lucky I am to have a younger man and that they don't think he's lucky to have an older woman!
Now to tell you the truth the age difference is not very noticeable and I do get lots of attention from men when I go out. He on the other hand does not get attention from females generally.
Do you think that he could be jealous and lashing out?
Now to get on to our current problem. I sometimes have men wanting to get to know my business better etc and my husband swears they are just after me. I have been looking for investment in my business and just the other day a man approached me and said he was interested. He is the sort of person I would love to have involved and I think he is really serious. I told my husband and he got in the worst mood ever! I asked him if he would meet him properly and talk to him and if he doesn't like him I won't work with him. Basically I think my business is destined for success but I don't want it to kill our relationship. My husband said he didn't want to know and he spent the whole evening sighing deeply and he has withdrawn his love, compliments and hugs (which he is normally very very generous with) I think he is afraid again and I can understand. When he gets afraid he builds a big wall and he sends this other guy out to deal with his life, the really him is buried deep behind the wall.
I am very bothered by the whole thing and to make things worse I am in the well and finding it hard to to cry at everything. I know that will be ok soon but I don't know how to help him not to be afraid. the more reassurance I give him the worse he seems to get.
He is losing his hair as well and feeling like he is middle aged. I think sometimes he is even jealous of my hair. Is that crazy???
I love him but this is very hard to deal with. He is a fantastic dad and I feel as though I would sacrificing the business to keep him happy. But then I think I am sacrificing too much of who I am. That he will lose respect for me. He seems happy as long as my business is ticking over and it's just me and the girl who works for me. But as soon as something happens that makes it look like it is going to be be a success he starts sulking badly. Like he resents me and begrudges me getting places. I told him I could never have done it without him. I told him it is our business as he put lots of energy into it when I needed it.
I think he wants to be the man who has the money that I need. I think he might be a bit controlling? He wants to be my night in shining armor and he doesn't want someone else to be the one.
My therapist just said to carry one and try and understand him and ignore him when he goes into his shell and starts acting mean.
But I don't want to sabotage our marriage for a business. Our marriage means more to me. But I don't want to sabotage myself to keep him happy. I have done that before and it didn't work. I feel so low and scared and worried about it. Has anybody got any words of comfort for me?

[BigRed]

The only thing I can think of is that he badly needs therapy. I lived for too long with a controlling man (although he would love to have me make more money than him so he could spend it). I'm shocked that your counselor tells you just to deal with it, although if you've made it clear you won't end the marriage, that may be the only option the counselor sees.

I can see a risk that one of these times he will go into a deep depression and won't get himself out. In addition, even though I don't think you want to hear it, you should not have to live with these moods. You should never have to give up that much of yourself for him. He should be, at the very least, happy that you can do something to make a success of yourself. Even if he is not thrilled that you'd bring in more money than him, a loving, secure man would still be proud of his wife.

You both are sending powerful messages to your children. You should seriously consider what they are learning by witnessing the behavior of your husband, and your own behavior. I can't recall if you have ever tried to get him to seek therapy or not?

[jerseygirl]

I'm shocked that your therapist tells you to ignore such emotional abuse, too.

[Isinga]

money issues rearing it's ugly head again. I am sort of freaking out inside. Things are up and down financially, although we had a nice "up" period a few months ago. Now things have taken a down swing again and we are feeling the pressure. We have 6 kids to support and work really hard. I know that we are hard up at the moment and do worry about bills but I don't blame anybody. My M on the other hand blames himself and sees himself as letting everyone down when we we are hard up for cash. Ok I'm used to that by now. But there is something really worrying me. His brother and family are coming for a visit and he hasn't seen him for 12 years. I won't dare ask my M but I just know that he feels so bad about being so broke when they is here.
Seriously it looks like we will be wearing double sweaters to keep warm and realistically won't be able to take them to dinner even once. That doesn't bother me but I just know that he is measuring his success against the way things look right now instead of the larger picture. I know that we are working toward something. We are independent, we are not on welfare and we are our own bosses. His brother on the other hand is working hard shift work for not a lot of money. Right now it looks as if the brother is more successful, and we are struggling financially, however we could get a big job next week and have plenty. To get to the point my M is out of his mind with worry over it. He is not himself at all, it is the way he looks and walks that tells me he feels like a failure. He did told me too. He does withdraw at times like this but I have accepted this.

How do I support him through this?
What should I do/not do? What should I say/not say? I don't want to be a pusher, pushing ideas on hi. He is normally so enthusiastic but today he is so depressed looking and says he feels no motivation for anything.
Please give me advice.
I really love him and I know he really loves me
I never have to tell him to take out the trash, he hugs me and kisses me and tells me I am a goddess. He makes me feel so special and he always compliments me and tells me I am beautiful, he notices my hair, remembers birthdays, anniversaries, he just wants to make me happy. I just know that now he feels like it's not possible and that he is having a real hard time with it. I just wish I knew what to do. I would also like to hear from anybody who has been in a similar situation, that can give me some reassurance and validation. Thank ye'all.