Starting Over, When you don't know where to begin.. Options

[anad]

Its been a week since I last spoke to M....over 2 weeks since I have seen him...I thought getting thru this weekend would be the big hurdle, but I seem to feel worse today...I have no clue why?

After my divorce, I spent 3-4 years alone, never even had a coffee date..trying to keep my kids stable, trying to keep me stable...I did some good work on myself...

About 2 years ago, I hooked back up with an old flame from 20 years back...it was good for me in some ways, but also made me realize that I had outgrown him and did not want to take on his remaining issues...

I felt strong about that...

I started multidating, having fun, heavily involved in a presidential campaign...and then I met M, and I let him sweep me off my feet...we shared the same goals and values, he said and did all of the right things...I believe I paced our dating well...

And now that its over, I realize that I have MORE work to do...and its disappointing, maddening...I hear my tapes playing again...you're 50, Anad...you have a son with a profound disability...you will tell someone you might have interest in and he will run for the hills...you have a daughter that you need to get thru college soon...Ms in your age group are winding down from responsibility, not wanting to take on more...

M, at least, seem to accept all of this, without flinching...

I even got to the point today that I felt I had truly made a mistake ending this...that for a woman my age and in my challenging position, that perhaps this is all I can expect...

And then I start thinking that I should just accept the fact that I will be alone...that I am not able to have a partnership, so I should just face my destiny...

There is something inside me, albeit faint and weak, that's fighting to believe I did and DO deserve better...a little fight left in me that needs to rebuild my self esteem, as its been whittled down for the last 3-4 months...that while a long shot, it might be possible to have what I want...

I just don't know where to start...I don't know how to disconnect from him completely...I don't know what will make me feel better or worse...I am shocked at myself for breaking up with him...

I need some kind of roadmap vs wandering thru my day...

[Meandering]

Gosh Anad, my thoughts are all over the place.

I'm 45 and looking forward to 50. I think the decade between 50 & 60 will be the best of my life. I sometimes think I may not find "the one" nor truly settle down until sometime during it. So, I don't think you are too old nor getting to a place where your options are "less". As a matter of fact, think of all the M's who are finding themselves single at this age. Sad report on divorce that is, good for us V's that new group keeps filtering into the system, lol.

On the flipside, since I seem to be more likely to get asked out by the younger M's these days, I'll add that they are not in winding down mode at all. It might be that one a bit younger is the ticket for you if that isn't out of the question as it relates to your thoughts on the matter. Say a 40yo ...or even younger

Since you have obviously been there & done that regarding being by yourself and not dating, you know how that looks. Get back there and jump into your life with a passion, fill it to the brim and then some with whatever makes you happy as a MOM and a V. There's an M out there and you might just trip over him while you are so busy, but keeping your tanks full and keeping yourself engaged is a surefire way to keep yourself happy as best as you can.

And while it is definitely cliche, time does save us, it heals us and it is needed. Take it for you...and love yourself to the nth degree

[Dolcissima]

First, nothing but time will help you disconnect. This self-doubt, and hopelessness is par for the course here. I wish there was a way to avoid it.

The work you have to do, first and foremost, is your grief work on this relationship. Grief, even when it is ugly, hurts, and is painful is not a sign something is wrong. It is a sign that you are normal, and reacting normally.

We all have our personal work to do on ourselves, and that is never ending. What you can be 100% sure of is that YOU did not fail this relationship or this M. There was nothing you could have done for a different outcome with him. He had limitations, the relationship had limitations. It was less than what you wanted.

The concept of "deserving" is really one I struggle with. On the one hand, I can say with all certainty that you deserved better. On the other, we all deserve better. He was giving you less than what a loving relationship required.

Further, we don't always get what we deserve (and sometimes that can be a very good thing!) So, who is to say that this V deserves a good relationship over another V who doesn't? Or a V who has love should be envied because she is less deserving of you? I have felt that kind of envy at times when M's pined over a shrewish beyotch they couldn't get over, and I who loved and cared for him got only crumbs of what he offered her. Or if I saw a married woman being unappreciative of her good man over petty stuff, thinking she doesn't deserve him. I know you aren't saying that, but it is the logical conclusion to an argument based on deserving.

So, ultimately, even though we use the term "deserve better" a lot, it really isn't about that. As a woman, you have natural desires and needs. You have the right to pursue relationship, and the right to refuse relationships that are harmful or hurtful in some way - or even not hurtful - just not compatible.

Be that as it may, the only hope you have of having what you want is not letting what you don't want take up space in your life. There was a lot you didn't want in this relationship, and it more than offset the good. You can have more, and your situation is far from hopeless.

But, please see if you start looking at yourself as day old bread that has to be marked down in order to sell, you will not be doing yourself any favors in the self esteem dept. And no M, can make you feel that way. Only you can make take that on board as truth.

[Coach Lauren]

Hi Anad,

I applaud you for having the courage to make this step, despite your many fears and doubts about going it alone with an uncertain future.

My name is Lauren, and I am an Ask Mars Venus Coach.

You have made key points, about knowing for awhile that you needed to do this, as your self-esteem was suffering, and you felt you could do better.

Despite the occasional self- lectures saying you will regret this break-up, your inner self has been nudging & urging you to go forward.

The work you mentioned that you still need to do, will never end, as we always have more to accomplish in this life, and negative behavior patterns to change.

You might begin by asking yourself what you were most unhappy about in the relationship. You must face the pain of your recent break-up.

What happened, and what did not happen with your M? What did you want to happen that never will?

This process will take time, but over time, the intensity of the pain you feel now will lessen, and as your heart heals, you will find hope that you can love again.


It would be good to list what you want to attract into your life. What qualities do you most want in a man? Next, begin concentrating on how to bring more of what you want into your life.

One of the best ways to attract the kind of person you want is to be that person. This means knowing what is attractive about you, what you bring to this world, and will bring to another person's life.

After you write all of the great things about yourself, read them over and over again, until you can let those qualities that are so much a part of you be your confidence.

While your situation presents its own unique challenges, it's good to remember that everyone has hurdles to overcome, yet nothing is impossible, unless you think it so.

You are on the right path, believe it or not--it is that you are just beginning to take some steps at paving a new way for yourself.

There is no magic wand to wave that will solve all of life's problems, but, I promise you Anad, there is hope!

If you would like to talk with me, I will help you come up with the best plan for creating the kind of life & relationships you desire and deserve. Together, We will work through any blocks to your happiness that you encounter along the way.

When you are ready to meet, just click "Email Your Coach" on the left, and email me through the portal. We can set a convenient time to speak.

All The Best!

Coach Lauren