Hoping It Is Not Over .... Options

[wanttofly]

Hello !! I would love to hear any opinions. I was with my M for 1 1/2 years. We created a great relationship that we both appreciated having. The last two months we have each had circumstances in our own lives that caused us each stress. I reacted by clinging to him and I would say at first he reacted to be there for me and handle his own stress (work related). I know I started to smother him and when he pulled back a drop, I panicked and it spiraled from there. We started having stress between us besides the stress we were each handling. We had words one night and each got upset. The next day he told he that it is clear to him we are just not working now and he feels it is time to end it. I knew we were having problems and didn't see that coming. That was 1 1/2 weeks ago. I called him once and sent a couple of "please let talk and work this out e-mails". He only replied to one and said he loved me, but things just weren't working and maybe in the future we could end up back together. He said he ended things out of frustration. A few nights ago I wrote him and told him that it makes me sad we ended it and I am taking this oppurtunity to work out the stress issues that I have going on my end. I told him I love him and want to ask him to please not give up on us, but I will leave that for him to decide. I told him he didn't need to reply to the e-mail (of course i wanted him to). I just wanted him to know I was in a good place and taking care of some things that were long overdue. I was kinda hoping to hear from him today since it was a holiday. Still nothing. Do you he is in a cave? How do I know if he is done or just taking some time? I don't know how to read no contact with me at all. I genuinely love this man and I "think" he loves me the same. Any advice? Thanks, Becky

[missea]

Hi Becky ~

Thank you.

No, haven't heard from him since. I am not surprised though because he just doesn't do well with being by himself. Even for a day. Last night wasn't just about that. I believe he was wanting to "show me" that if I needed space, he could find someone who didn't. It helped me to see that he wasn't working on figuring out a balance on his end - he was taking the path of least resistance and finding someone/anyone so he wasn't alone with himself.

It is confusing to me what the difference is between someone not loving you anymore or someone needing space. If it is space, I wish he would tell me that.

Yes, knowing the difference .... makes a difference. :-)

I needed the space for practical reasons - like work, keeping my household running, having my own time to do nothing in particular. I also needed the space to be able to look at the r'ship (our compatibility) and determine if I missed him and to give him the opportunity to do the same.

I did find I missed him and was hopeful we'd find a balance but now I am done with him. He is too much the victim.

Back to you ....

Not taking it personally is key, I think. I know it's hard not to. Use this time to gauge how YOU feel.

You mentioned a lot of stress. I, too, was experiencing additional stress and was feeling overwhelmed. I needed his understanding and I got a guilt-trip laid on me instead.

Carry on with your life. Allowing your M to have the time he needs to work on his stuff AND have the chance to miss you is good. As long as you're not waiting around and putting your life on hold, that is. And no guilt trips is good too. :-)

Best to you,
Missea

[wanttofly]

Thanks for the support. I made contact today and he didn't respond. Not a very good sign. I am feeling hurt and angry tonight.

I tried to send a message to give me e-mail to get a buddy system going and it didn;t go through. Is that not allowed on here?

Becky

Hi Becky ~

Thank you.

No, haven't heard from him since. I am not surprised though because he just doesn't do well with being by himself. Even for a day. Last night wasn't just about that. I believe he was wanting to "show me" that if I needed space, he could find someone who didn't. It helped me to see that he wasn't working on figuring out a balance on his end - he was taking the path of least resistance and finding someone/anyone so he wasn't alone with himself.

It is confusing to me what the difference is between someone not loving you anymore or someone needing space. If it is space, I wish he would tell me that.

Yes, knowing the difference .... makes a difference. :-)

I needed the space for practical reasons - like work, keeping my household running, having my own time to do nothing in particular. I also needed the space to be able to look at the r'ship (our compatibility) and determine if I missed him and to give him the opportunity to do the same.

I did find I missed him and was hopeful we'd find a balance but now I am done with him. He is too much the victim.

Back to you ....

Not taking it personally is key, I think. I know it's hard not to. Use this time to gauge how YOU feel.

You mentioned a lot of stress. I, too, was experiencing additional stress and was feeling overwhelmed. I needed his understanding and I got a guilt-trip laid on me instead.

Carry on with your life. Allowing your M to have the time he needs to work on his stuff AND have the chance to miss you is good. As long as you're not waiting around and putting your life on hold, that is. And no guilt trips is good too. :-)

Best to you,
Missea

[Kayte80]

Becky - Ive just started my 30 day challenge. Hold on tight, its going to be a bumpy ride - but travel with me.

You are capable of doing this.

You are capable of your life being SO much more than just about this M.

How long has it been since you have thought about YOU, rather than just YOU and HIM. Or just HIM?

Have a think about it.

[Kayte80]

Becky, he said the following:

The next day he told he that it is clear to him we are just not working now and he feels it is time to end it.

I dont like saying this, but should you perhaps begin to accept that he doesnt just need space, but actually wants the relationship to be over?

I know this hurts greatly, but its prime reason for you to take note of this, and begin the healing process.

Its hard to accept that someone doesnt want to be with you any longer but its happened - it happens to us all.

x

[wanttofly]

Thanks for your posts. I know he could very well be done. That just blows me away because we really had such a good relationship prior to this one stress time. I also think of conversations that we had just prior to the break up and can't believe with what they were that a few days later he was done.

The not talking to me is the worst thing to me right now. I feel like I deserve a little insight here on what the heck happened. Not getting that is so hurtful to me. Does anyone else struggle with this? Any tips to get past it? Thank you for the support.

Becky

Becky, he said the following:

The next day he told he that it is clear to him we are just not working now and he feels it is time to end it.

I dont like saying this, but should you perhaps begin to accept that he doesnt just need space, but actually wants the relationship to be over?

I know this hurts greatly, but its prime reason for you to take note of this, and begin the healing process.

Its hard to accept that someone doesnt want to be with you any longer but its happened - it happens to us all.

x

[Kayte80]

The not talking to me is the worst thing to me right now. I feel like I deserve a little insight here on what the heck happened. Not getting that is so hurtful to me. Does anyone else struggle with this? Any tips to get past it? Thank you for the support.

Yes, it will be hard for you to grasp. The reality is you dont know and you may not ever know. But what is knowing really going to do? Give you more to think about? Prolong the pain? Give you ideas on how you can change to make it better? All of this is irrelevant for you. You need to move on and any more information will just prolong that process.

While we all would like to know what happened in order to get "closure", closure comes from YOU.

Also, you say the relationship was fine - but he may have been struggling in it and you would have never known.

You need to start focusing on you. I know we all say that, but we say it because we mean it.

Check out my 30 day Challenge. Come along for the ride