Healing the broken heart, Letting go of unresolved feelings Options

[Kab]

Dear Michael,

I had a really bad couple of days when all I could see in front of me was the hurt and pain of knowing that it is over and that I will never be held by D again, never look into his beautiful blue eyes again, etc.. and then I talked to a close friend who reminded me of how well I had gotten past these episodes in the past by concentrating really hard on my art, my upcoming semester in school and generally on ME!! It was a very good reminder for me and I hit the gym yesterday and today and am going to go every morning from now on. It makes me feel so good after walking two + miles on the treadmill then doing about 40 minutes of yoga.
One of the things I noticed was these waves of pain are like pangs.. pangs of distress, like pangs of hunger, pangs of fear.. so I try to feed the pang with something good and positive, even if it's just reading something about my art, etc. When I was able to work my mind was on other things and that helped me get thru my divorce 10 years ago. I don't have that luxury now and am in between my summer class and school for fall. Once I am in school easier to keep my mind busy.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, along with the other sadness of friend's mothers. I was just told my ex bro-in-laws wonderful, sweet wife has cancer and they are giving her a year to live.They have two children and this is surreal. She is one of those people you love as soon as you meet. Non-smoker- has lung cancer. I think we are all being tested so much on so many accounts. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of those people ailing you care about.
I understand about the 'feeling better' letters also. I have written one so far and it was overwhelming to me. I will write more but my desktop computer is flipping on me and my laptop is in the shop. I think you are right in how they help us really examine the emotions and then move on with them. I experience the pain then the relief of having 'felt' the fear, or the sadness or the sorrow of losing my dreams.The relief is a welcome feeling, and sometimes very peaceful.
I never got a notice about D picking up his card and I am trying like you wouldn't believe to not call him just to wish him a happy trip. I cannot assume he trashed the card without reading it as I know his ISP throws alot of mail into the bulk folder and he never sees it. I am trying really, really hard to let it'go'.. just forget about it.But knowing he is flying for 6 hours one way sorta unnerves me and I want to wish him a happy and safe trip.My councilor thought I should do that.. hense the card.
I know these feelings take a long time to dissapate, and I have had some of the same feelings that you have had. I am going on four months since he told me he would never love anyone, and so I am being kind to myself on the scale of time.
I am stepping completely back from trying to "fix" the friendship, and am trying to make myself 'let it go'.. hard as it is. However I have to trust that no matter what, it will all be okay in the end. No matter what "it" is. I have to rely on a scripture for that one at Phil 7:8. as it kept me going thru a terribly abusive marriage and even afterward. It's all about peace Michael. Peace is what lies under the tears and the hurt and the pain. If we can let go of those emotions, just let them dissolve one at a time, over and over as needed, soon we feel that resolution you are seeing in the distance. I am not there yet either, but I too, have had glimpes of what it might feel like.
When I am thinking of me, with my art, etc, or coding a website, I have such peace because the feeling of hurt isn't present. I don't think I am burying it, as was my intial fear, because I examine them well when they come up (the emotions).
Releasing these negative emotions is helping me alot.
I am glad you are feeling a bit better in spite of the recent events in your life.
What is with the 'passive' communication from your ex?
How are you handling that? I am interested in how you are coping with that.
take care Micheal and hugss to you..
Jana


"Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night." - Leo Aikman (American Writer, Newspaper Editor)

[optics19]

Jana,

Thanks for writing about how you're doing. I hope that you do find the feeling better exercises helpful. I think that you might find that they will be really helpful the more you do them. I wouldn't let the computer hold you up - just grab a notebook, and let those emotions fly! All three parts are really helpful - so try not to skip them.

I imagine for you the 'letting go' of all of the help that you're trying to do for him must be difficult. I think it will be particularly helpful when you are able to let go of those urges to send him notes, etc. for trips. I think it will be very helpful for both of you, and it may lead to so positive developments. Thus far, it seems like he generally has not received well your gifts, notes, follow-ups, etc.

You asked about my ex's recent communication. At the break-up,she had completely cut off all communications with me. Any times that we accidentally had a 'run-in' were used as a means by her to unleash a lot of unresolved issues in a way that was quite hurtful. Recently I received a note from her that was quite impersonal in which she was forwarding me some info the she thought I might find helpful (while she also questioned the usefulness of it at the same time). She showed no concern for the violation of this communication nor any concern for me. These types of things are difficult, but they're also opportunities to learn a better approach - so that's how I took it. I spent a lot of time on it and used the feeling better letter (for myself).

I hope you're feeling better these days. Like you've said, it's a very long road - but it'll be worth it.

[Kab]

Hi Michael and everyone,
I just wanted to touch bases and tell you that I am not doing so great at the moment. My councilor is hitting on the very nerve of this all and it is very painful to me. I am having a very hard time with detaching from the one I still love. I know the difference between loving him and being attached, and it's my attachment to the memories, to the mixed messages and to the possibility of what could have been that's tough to let go of. I know that I need to do it, and I am working on it, but it's so very hard. I talked to him about things like sending him off with a 'goodbye and have a safe trip' and he saw nothing in the context of it being in the line of me trying to fix anything, but showing concern for a friend. That is all that it was intended to be. :Letting go of our friendship is even harder for me, but for now that's what I am doing. I hope more positive than negative comes from it eventually and I am surrendering to what ever that may be.

At least my councilor 'gets it', and the fact that it's even harder because the relationship was so odd, and not very mainstream. I am left with this open-ended ending instead of a way to find closure. So it's been hard work.. On the other hand, I am feeling well most of the time. I am able to get geared up for school and am doing some artwork which also helps alot. The emotional work, however, is exhuasting me. I am so tired when I sleep I am gratefully not thinking about him and fall to sleep without crying as much. There has been very little contact between us since he returned from his trip and I am keeping it that way. I miss our friendship but I am being as strong as I can and keeping to myself. No email, no calls. Thanks for answering my post Michael and for your encouragement. I hope you are doing better than I am.
I will post more later but I wanted to respond. I am still reading the book and am writing some feeling better letters too along with some poetry. Why does love have to be so painful?? I just want it to stop hurting, but somehow it's not happening very fast. I know the journey is worth it, but it's so very hard to make alone.
Well take care and tell me how you are doing ok??
Jana

[optics19]

Dear Jana,

I am first happy for you that your finding some distractions from all of this 'stuff' in your work, school, and art. I'm also glad that you're able to find some joy. That's great to hear.

Second, it's good to hear that you're having some progress with the counselor. It sounds so painful, but I'm glad that it's a 'productive'. It does sound so exhausting though.

Today I re-read many of the previous posts on this thread, and I was reminded of how difficult this journey has been for you, and I certainly have compassion for your challenges. I really do hope that this journey does bring you to a peaceful place. As you said, it is so painful at times, and I'm sorry for that for you.

You know we haven't discussed 'Starting Over' much lately. Have you found any good nuggets in there lately? I really haven't done much with it lately, but I think I'm facing a difficult time emotionally right now (I don't know why - it's definitely a relapse). My ex's random email from a few weeks back 'haunts' me every now and again - I don't like it, but I find myself wondering at times if she'll try to 'pop' in again. So perhaps I'll do some more writing 'feeling better' letters. I have found them to be very helpful. Generally, I have been doing great lately - and I really felt better about getting some perspective on that relationship. Just this week I've felt some weird pangs and feelings from the past.

I hope you're doing all right - and I look forward to hearing from you.