Healing the broken heart, Letting go of unresolved feelings Options

[optics19]

Hello,

This is a new thread for those who are trying to heal a broken heart and move forward in their lives with a positive attitude having relinquished the negative feelings of their past relationships.

John Gray has authored a book called Starting Over that helps as a guide for this process. Are there any people out there who have been through this process and can shed some light on getting through the rough spots? Reading Gray's book is helpful, but hearing from people who have really healed from a broken heart and have let go of the pain, anger, hurt and have found forgiveness would be helpful I believe for many people out there!

Thank you for any comments!

[ciel]

Optics 19,
I'm a new member to the site. I read your post and is interested in discussing the topics in "mars and venus - starting over" . I've read this book many times the last 2 years. I'd be happy to share any "insight" or experience that I had gone through.
I'm relieved to say that I've have passed through all the 4 stages that John Gray advised in his book. I still go back and read some chapters in the book again when I'm feeling down.
I don't know your full situation, are you still considering reconciliation? I have a book that is very helpful on couples considering reconciliation.

[optics19]

Hi Ciel,

Thanks for your post!

I'd really appreciate your opinions and thoughts on 'Starting Over'. Gray really espouses getting to a place in your heart in which one has gained a better understanding of his/her relationship, and has let go of the former partner and the relationship with forgiveness, trust, and gratitude.

Several years ago, I had gotten out of at a significant relationship and never got to a place of having some real level or feeling of resolution. I hung on to being confused, angry, and resentful. Years later, we re-tried the relationship, and it ultimately failed again (probably largely b/c we hadn't resolved the painful feelings from our prior ending). I do think that that reunion did help me to answer some questions, and from a recent relationship ending (more on this in the next paragraph), I read Starting Over - and that also helped me to resolve my feelings from that earlier relationship.

So now, I find myself in a similar boat (at least I do feel I might be learning finally!), where my significant other ended our 3-1/2 year relationship and she has not wanted any kind of communication after she ended the matter. A few weeks after, I did try to talk with her, and I got yelled at for that. A few months later, I tried to speak with her, and that was shut down immediately - so I don't believe that any resolution will come from any interaction with her. That situation left me with a feeling of wanting resolution or to gain understanding or something. I have read the book 'Starting Over', and I've learned from that book that resolution comes from dealing with the feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow, and I've been working towards that, but it is very difficult (as Gray says). I think it's helpful to talk with someone who has taken Gray's route and has gotten over a relationship this way. There aren't many role models for that! So many people do still harbor some anger, resentment, or bitterness for their ex for years. I really don't want to be in that boat, and given my past experiences, I see that I have done just that.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate your response!
MDM

[ciel]

Hi Optics 19,
Thank you for sharing your story... I fully understand how you must be feeling right now because I was in that place myself the last 2 years. Like you, I wanted to resolve with my ex, but everytime I approached him and started talking about maybe trying to work things out, to find a resolution.. it caused more damage than good. Now looking back I can see what I did wrong during the separation. I know every situation/ relationship is different, but if you find anything I wrote here that might be helpful then that's good. I don't have a alot of experience in relationships, but what I gained from learning my mistakes... I can tell you that I feel much stronger mentally.
Don't feel bad or feel like you tried to fix the problem but she still refused to cooperate, she was probably not ready to talk at those times when you approached her. No matter how sincere, well-meant in your trying to resolve... she will not see it your way at the time... she will only see it as your trying to control the situation (I'm assuming she still has some anger against you). You will only feel more hurt when she doesn't respond the way you expected, like the way you feel now.
What I learned was that instead of coming to them and try to resolve, let some time pass first before you approach them to talk. Or better yet, wait for them to come to you when they're ready. I know it's hard, you want to resolve, you've been thinking about the situation every single second.... Unless we are prepared to handle another rejection like when they refused to give us a chance to talk. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but we kind of set ourselves up to be hurt. I know I did. Think about it ...didn't we come to them "hoping" that they will see things our way, but instead the opposite happened. I'm not sure what's the best length of time to elapse before you should approach, but if there's still hope of reconciliation then wait for her to come to you... and when she does, don't jump into discussing your relationship right away-- that's just too much pressure.
Sorry I have to go now, but I'll continue later. This post is getting too long, hope it helps. Ciel