When do you call it quits?, when do you say enough is enough? Options

[drwild]

I am a male, sorry martian, and have been with my girlfriend for about 2 years. We have always been very horrible at resolving problems within our relationship. We just have a very hard time bringing these things up without someone's feelings getting hurt, or a fight breaking out. So over the past 6 months or so, we have been on again off again, as a direct result of this problem. We both love each other so much but we can't seem to find a constructive way to deal with problems. I have been thinking of calling a mars venus relationship coach with her and maybe that will help. But I think right now she seems to think our relationship is doomed and it will never work. It's just really sad because we are really a perfect match, and if we could ever figure this problem out, we would be perfect. So I guess I'm asking, when do you throw in the towel and say this will never work? Thanks.

[louise 117]

Hi male--sorry Martian!

Welcome!

I would have to say that any time someone realizes they have an issue and is willing to work on it that you never say never. I think starting by talking with a Mars Venus coach is an excellent idea. It may not be possible to get your girlfriend to make the call with you, but just getting some insight as to why this cycle keeps repeating itself can be very useful in resolving your issues. Think about it--your actions and reactions are part of what keeps this going. So if you know how NOT to act to set her off, you've made improvement. And if you know how NOT to react when she sets you off, you've made improvement. And once she sees how improvements can be made, she would be more willing to give the coaching a try.

I really hope this all works out for you. While you are working on your issues, I hope you will take a look around at some of the other posts. We very much value Martian insight and experience here--so if you stumble across an issue that you could enlighten us on the Martian point of view, we would really appreciate it!

[skc02]

I wouldn't give up until your heart tells you that it is over. One question to ask yourself is - do you love the person or the idea or the person. Would you replace her with someone else. If the answer is no then don't give up. Every relationship goes through a rocky period.

[drwild]

I figured I would give everyone some details. Our relationship really wasn't growing, or shall I say, it didn't really look like it had a healthy and secure future. We just didn't really know what was going to happen tomorrow. So she basically left because we weren't very ambitous together as far as trying to find a secure future together. She left citing the need to work on herself and take care of herself for a while. That was very hard for me at first because I was trying to find out what was wrong with me as a person. And then it came to me. I have really been living in a fog for about 3 years, just living day to day and not planning for the future. 4 years ago I was enrolled in a technical college and was doing well, but was forced to quick because of personall reasons. So now 3 years later I am going back and I haven't felt this happy and confident in my self for a long time. So my girlfriend and I have been separated for about 2 months now. And we talk pretty much everyday. And I'm really not seeing her improving herself, she is still doing the same stuff that she always has done. She has the tendency to brush away problems because she dosen't want to deal with them at that particular moment. That has always bothered me. For example, she would get in a fight with one of her friends, and her friend would feel bad and want to apologize and make up but when her friend would call she wouldn't answer the phone. So her friend would leave messages as to why she was calling, and she wouldn't call back or answer the phone until she was ready to deal with it. In my opinon you shouldn't deal with problems like that, and you can't treat people like that. So that is kinda what she was doing to me earlyon in the break up. I was trying to figure out what I was doing wrong so I could fix myself and she didn't want to deal with it. It might be too painful for her to deal with it, but it isn't to painful for her to go out on dates less than a week after we split up. In my opinon you shouldn't do that, I always felt like you should consume the grief and analize it and fix it. I just feel like she is doing things so she dosen't have to deal with it or think about it. So now I'm at the point where I am happy with who I am and I don't really know if I really want her back. It might just be me missing having someone around. I just don't want her back if she is going to continue doing things the way she always has done. And that was the reason for her leaving to begin with so she could fix her life, I'm sorry but I don't see any changes. And I know I can't change how people act, but if I could get her to break away from some of the childish ways she takes care of things then I think we would have a very bright future ahead of us. So any advice would be seriously appreciated. Thank You!