Didn't listen to louise 117, now lost him for good... Options

[NoOne12345]

I just want to tell everyone there is some really good advice out here..if you take it. I did not.

Short story...my fiance broke our engagement and did not want to date for a while. We were together for four years. For four years, even though he did EVERYTHING to make me feel loved, I did everything to test that love - even cheating once. I guess I didn't believe I deserved it? Anyhow, I guess my negativity, doubting and unsupporting him got too bad. He moved out and asked that I talk to someone about us and my unhappiness.

A week later he went to counseling with me and asked me to lunch. We talked a bit that month and he never stopped telling me he loved me. Then he told me that with time he thought we could work things out and he hoped to move back in eventually - but he needed time and did not want to feel pressured. Then his brother from Virginia moved in "unexpectedly" with him and I started doubting everything he said because he would not return my calls for that week.

So, what did I do? Exactly what louise told me not too. I called and was all weepy. I then went over there. I found out he lied to me about his brother moving down being "unexpected". He said he didn't think I would understand and did not want to hurt me or have drama...but drama is what he got when I realized he lied...because what if everything he had been telling me was a lie? It just reconfirmed (to me) that he didn't love me and I was right to test it all those years.

So that night led to it being over for good. He told me he would always love me but love was not enough. He did not like who he was around me when I am like this and wanted me to leave him alone. He said if it was meant to be, then if we talk again years to come it might work out. But for now...he wants me to go away. If I love him like I say I do, I will want him to be happy and he is happier when I am not around. And like that...he gave up four years.

I am devestated and feel so stupid. I am so mad at myself for not listening to everyone. And most of all I am sooo scared of repeating my mistakes and being alone forever. I feel out of control and there is still a little piece that things I can call him and make him chance mind. But I know that is a wrong and crazy thought.

I just wanted to share..I guess now, I need to start posting on the starting over board - heh?

[luv4dvd315]

Gosh, Jill. You sound just like me and a lot of other "uninformed" women out there. Don't beat yourself up. It's done and you can't take it back. All you can do is learn from the experience and try not to repeat those insecure actions. You see, I had been married only once and for almost 18 years so I had no idea what caving was, etc. My ex-husband never did that, or if he did I was simply unaware of it. When I found out about M/V and started reading the books and message boards on this site, it was too late. I had already done the damage with my desperate acts to hang onto my relationship with D. That is what I told my D in my last letter to him, that if it my new knowledge about the differences between men and women were too late for our relationship then he could rest assured that I would have happier, healthier relationships in the future. There is sooooo much to learn and you would be surprised how comforting it is to read Dr. Gray's books. I keep one or two handy just for reinforcement whenever I start to think those negative, crazy thoughts again. That is why I posted here in my weak moment yesterday and it did help. I did not call D.

It will get better. Chin up, girl! Rhonda

[BalancedMart...]

jillbug74,

I am sorry that you are going through such pain. It can really hurt, especially since you were together for four years and were engaged. Feeling devastated, stupid, mad, scared are all part of the emotions that come up in these situations and feeling such emotions all at once in itself can be overwhelming. I hope that you are taking care of yourself with family and friends while you go through this unfortunate situation. I hope you know there is a silver lining in all of this.

If you want a Martian perspective keep reading... otherwise stop reading at this point.

Do not take the following as a personal attack, but more as insight as to what your Martian is going through....

John Gray says the number one emotional need of a Martian is to be trusted. Your actions indicated the complete opposite to him. I hope you recognize that.

You have been given a great gift by your fiance because now you know how your fiance has been feeling about the way you react to his gestures of love. The terrible feelings that you are experiencing are what your fiance has been feeling everytime you tested his love. I am sure it really hurts. Unfortunately, for now he has run out of energy and is not willing to put up with your past anymore.

Here is the silver lining... at this moment, you are at a crossroads in your life and the road you take is up to you. You can either recognize all the pain that you have been unintentionally causing and finally decide to change how you react to people's gestures of love and from this day forward live with trust and love in your heart, or you can choose to ignore this opportunity and once again conclude that your fiance's actions simply reconfirm to you that you were "right to test it all those years" and you will continue to do so in the future.

It might help if you were to read John Gray's book "How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have".

Let me finish by saying that I know you have been through a lot and at this time I know what you need is loving support from family, friends, and everyone on this board while you work through everything. I hope everything works out for you.

[louise 117]

jillbug,

I know you're hurting so badly now, but I have to say I started to laugh when I saw the title of this topic. I'm not ALWAYS right. Just enough to be annoying. . .

Everyone's given you such great advice--please take it all (especially BalancedMartian's) to heart. You have two options right now:

1. Continue to beat yourself up for making a common and human mistake which will get you nowhere.

2. Get out of bed, take a shower, get yourself dressed and make a determination that you are wiping the slate clean and starting a new day.

Guess which option Louise recommends?

OK, it hurts, you need time to grieve. But beating yourself up isn't going to help you heal. You have learned something very important about yourself. Knowledge is power. Many people aren't self-evolved or self-reflective enough to learn from their mistakes and grow and mature. I believe you are. Get some counseling to delve into where these trust issues come from. Your insecurities have NOTHING to do with your relationship with your boyfriend. You know the M/V 90/10 theory?

Write feeling letters, journal and feel free to post here. Anywhere you want--doesn't have to be Starting Over. I can't promise you that things will work out with your finance. But I feel like if you really do the inner work to get to the root of your trust issues, you will be able to re-establish some kind of relationship with him. Anyway, I really hope that you will.

Whatever you do, don't call him. Wait a week--maybe two and then send him a BRIEF letter or e-mail apologizing for your behavior and letting him know you understand and accept why he felt the way he did and that you appreciate him for putting up with your insecurities and that you are taking action to work on your issues. And that's it. No more than a paragraph (Martian's eyes tend to glaze over when things get longer than that) and no asking/begging/pleading for a second chance, etc.

We really do care about you, jillbug. It's not about being right--it's about wanting y'all to succeed in your relationships and be happy.