I need some advice..., a futile affair? Options

[Helena]

Okay - this is my first time posting, and it's going to be a little long. I'm looking for some honest opinions here.
I have been seeing a married man for the last year and a half. Let me just say we each believe we have found our soul mate. (please don't gag - i know how that sounds) The first time I met him, I felt like I'd known him for a hundred lifetimes. I am not a giggling teenager - I am 35 and divorced. I never believed in this kind of thing. He says he feels the same way.
This summer we had serious talks about him leaving his wife. He says he has not been in love with her for a long time. He does not feel like a lover with her, only as someone to help with the kids, and those kids are the sticking point with him. He has an 8 year old and twins who are 22 months old. He wants to wait to leave for a few years until the twins are old enough to know him for him. They are still at the age where if you go away for a day or two, they are shy around you. I understand this and support his decision, having made the decision to stay married as long as I did because of my kids.
He tells me they are no longer intimate, and I believe him. We laid some ground rules to stay together during this waiting period such as no sex for them, no dates not including the kids, etc. This was for my mental health. Above all - honesty about our feelings at all times. And, with his promise of if he ever wants to try to make things work at home he has to. I want a future with him free of doubts that he could have tried harder at home first. He has said that they have tried talking, but not counseling - she had no interest at first and now he doesn't. She tells him everything is his fault.
My problem: Are we kidding ourselves? Is this going to work? Did he suggest this waiting period because he knows he'll never leave but doesn't want to loose me?
We see each other every day, spend a lot of time on the phone and e-mails. Frankly, I don't know how she hasn't busted us yet. He spends a lot of time away from home with me.
That scene from "When Harry Met Sally" keeps running through my mind, where Meg Ryan keeps telling Carrie Fisher about her married lover: "He's never going to leave his wife" Am I setting myself up for something like this? Does anyone have any experience with something like this? Please save your judgements - I know what I'm doing is morally wrong. I just need perspective and advice.
My best friend says she just wants me to be happy, which is a nice sentiment, but not helpful.

[Baby_Kisses]

Hi Helena,

What I'm about to say is not based on moral judgements at all.


This scenario is classic, I have read the same situation over and over only the characters in the story have different names. Your married boyfriend is desperately lonely for companionship and understanding, and rather than working to regain the intimacy in his marriage, he’s using you to solve his emotional problems. He should be turning to his wife. Here’s what you know about your “soulmate”.

1) When the going gets rough, he turns to another woman rather than do everything to save his relationship. Oh, now that his wife wants to try counseling suddenly he’s not interested? Give me a break!!!! They are both dealing with built up resentments and power struggles, he doesn’t love you more than his wife, he hates having to face his and her troubles because it makes him feel like a failure. With you he can always be a success, of course until you start wanting more and he feels criticized by you too.
2) You know he’s an exceptional LIAR!!!!!!!!! Please don’t make excuses for his bad behavior, there are no excuses!!!! He’s hurting his children more by staying rather than by leaving. Children of divorced parents who are loved by each parent end up having more successful adult relationships than do children who stay in a dysfunctional family environment. Children know when the parents aren’t happy, and they internalize it as their fault.
3) He still loves his wife, men typically don’t compromise their happiness for the sake of the children. He can’t tell you that, because you will no longer be his mommy taking care of the emotionally wounded boy that he is.
4) He has no respect for you. A loving partner doesn’t use you, period.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to wake you up and make you realize you deserve a man who is emotionally and physically available. You should also seek counseling to figure out why you would choose to be in such a one-sided relationship.

My advice: Leave before you lose all respect for yourself, because I guarantee you it will happen. Leave before you wake up one day and you’ve lost your 30’s and possibly 40’s to a man who either couldn’t leave his wife (most likely) or she kicked him out to the curb because he’s not a devoted husband and you become the lucky winner of a lying, cheating, coward who will cheat on you too.

Worth the wait, huh?

Baby_Kisses

[Baby_Kisses]

BTW, the woman in When Harry Met Sally dumped the married guy, made herself available to meet a single guy, and fell in love and got married. I hope you have the same happy ending as she did. There is no happy ending to your current relationship. Even if you marry him, you will never, ever trust him 100%. You will be stuck in an eternal state of paranoia.

Baby_Kisses

[Swing Dancer]

[COLOR=blue]Helena,

Well, in some respects, all relationships carry this same risk factor. Even if you meet a man who is madly in love with you, is single, wants you to have his babies, etc, it still doesn't mean that you two will live happily ever after.

Therefore, regardless of the fact that your person of interest is married or not, it still doesn't really mean there is any more or less risk of him changing his mind about his feelings for you.

In love, there is always risk of heartbreak. There are no guarantees, even if you have lived a hundred lifetimes together before now, that is still not a guarantee that you two will feel the same about each other in 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or even 2 hours from now.

I will tell you about a friend of mine.. a woman. She is in a sexless marriage, but plans to stay in it for her own reasons. Her husband plans to stay in the marriage for his own reasons. She has found a lover outside of her marriage, whom she sincerely loves, but will never be married to. This lover understands that and knows the score and will never expect her to leave her husband for him because they laid a different set of rules for themselves from the very beginning. However, he does know that he is the love of her life, even though she will always be married to someone else.

I just wanted to give you an example of another set of people who are in an "affair" situation. The point of it is that no situation is the same as another. You are hoping and expecting your person of interest to leave his wife. If he doesn't, will you love him anyway? Will you stand by him? Will you put an ultimatum on him? Will you only love him until someone who is not married comes along? What if he leaves his wife for you and then is unfaithful to you as well?

It is a very difficult situation, and there are no guarantees...in any relationship.

best of luck,
Swing Dancer