Whether you leap into love or tread water until you’re sure you won’t drown in emotions, it’s natural to have fears about where a relationship may take you. One of the best ways to work toward overcoming your fears is by acknowledging, confronting, and dealing with them before they get the better of you. Whether irrational or logical, fear is a valid and powerful emotion. While you may not be able to solve every emotional tendency, it helps to know what you’re up against within yourself. Love will thank you for it.
Below, we briefly examine three fears that Mars Venus readers tell us they have encountered.
- He/She Isn’t There When Needed. When you’re in a relationship, you want to be able to rely on your partner and trust that they’ll always be there for you. But if a fear of abandonment is your worry, ask yourself why. Perhaps your parents divorced when you were young, you lost a parent early in life, or an important figure walked out of your world without a look back. The sting of abandonment does not have to influence the way you view the fate of your own relationships. Watch out for a tendency to become too clingy and smother your partner.
- Falling Out of Love. Love takes many forms and, in relationships, it ebbs and flows. If you hit a rough patch with your partner, this doesn’t necessarily mean one of you have fallen out of love. Maybe you’ve been broken up with by someone who gave you the “I love you, I’m just not in love with you” line. That can make you fear the phrase forever – and the unpleasant feelings that accompany such a statement – and incite a desperation that may make you push openness, honesty, and full disclosure at every turn. Communication is important, but don’t force it to the point where it’s overwhelming. Remember a man’s cave and a woman’s well – there will be times when love doesn’t have anything to do with ebbs in your relationship.
- Feeling Lonely in a Relationship. Moments of loneliness in a relationship can be unbearable – especially if you see each other every day. You may fear that instances of isolation mean a relationship is unsalvageable. But you don’t have to experience the feeling of being miles away from each other, even if you’re sitting side by side. You may have seen or experienced relationships that reached the point of no return, but you can do something to curb loneliness in your own love life before fear wins out. Take time to talk to each other; just talk, about anything – the simple act of communicating will bring you closer together. Putting effort into your relationship – with even the smallest gestures – will help both partners feel encouraged to turn to each other for love and support, instead of to an outside source.
Identifying the Source of Fear
The fears that manifest themselves within a relationship can often be attributed to the 90/10 principle, which identifies that, when we’re upset, 90 percent of the problem is related to our past and only 10 percent has to do with the issue at hand. This is also referred to as the Trash Can Theory, which is the term that stands for a person’s unresolved feelings of the past. It’s natural to collect layers of hurt and frustration from past relationships and the formative years of childhood and adolescence. When you finally find yourself with a person who loves you for exactly who you are, the “trash can” can tip over and reveal the issues from the past that are affecting your behavior in the present.
The danger of 90/10 is that you might be arguing with your partner about one topic, but your real issues are likely lurking under the surface, unacknowledged. Your significant other has their own set of 90/10 to manage and those feelings could conflict with yours as well. The truth is, you would be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn’t carry with them their own individual blend of 90/10 issues. The situations and experiences that occur in a person’s life can affect them ever after – for better or for worse – especially if the issues have not been dealt with completely.
When you feel upset or irritated with the one you love but, at the same time, recognize your emotions as a little irrational or overblown, you could be suffering under the weight of your own ghosts. The next time you argue with your significant other, stop for a moment to consider what it is you’re fighting about – how much of it has to do with the present and how much of it is a reaction to a past experience?
Conquering Fear
Look at each relationship as a fresh slate. Your relationship does not have to emulate anyone else’s, nor does it have to follow in the footsteps of unhappy past experiences of your own. You’re not doomed to a life of drama even if that’s what you were exposed to growing up. You can take control of your life and your fear by developing your awareness.
Trying to anticipate what will happen in your relationship in order to “prevent” your fears from coming to fruition is futile. Succumbing to fears often comes back to the law of attraction – you can bring the good things to your life by focusing on them. But if all you see is the negative and if all you nurture is fear, then what you’re fixating on is likely to influence the fate of your relationships.
Fears can cause people to act in ways they wouldn’t normally act. And fears can make people stay in relationships even though they may not be healthy or vibrant. Fear can have such power over lives that all decisions are made based on fear. Remember – you are an adult. There are grown-up monsters under the bed, but you don’t have to let them get to you. Go ahead and look under the bed now and then and confront your fears – they may not be as bad as you think.
If you realize that your fears are undermining your relationship, but you need a hand identifying exactly what’s dragging you down, consider calling an Ask Mars Venus coach. They can help you recognize the speed bumps your own history has created in your current love life, and offer ways to help you overcome what’s holding you back. |
