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According to research reported at www.brainplace.com, women are able to transfer data more easily between the left and right sides of their brain. Men, on the other hand, rely much more heavily on the left side of their brains. What does that mean to you?
The result is that most women naturally have the ability to think about multiple things at one time and access their emotions and feelings more easily. Women are natural multi-taskers and tend to think expansively connecting things more easily. Men, on the other hand, tend to think of one thing at a time, devoting their energy fully to one task before transitioning to another. They can be less aware of their feelings and as a result it can take longer to know what they truly are. This simple difference is a core reason why dating and relationships can feel so difficult.
Think about this scenario:
A man and woman begin dating and enjoy three wonderful dates. A few days pass and he doesn't call her. Most women report that after about three days, they begin to feel concerned that something is wrong. This onset of worry adds to her occasional apprehension that he isn't interested in her. As a natural multi-tasker, she can think about this over the course of her day while still getting her job done, taking care of any people who need her, and simply living her life. When the man "finally" does call her, she has had countless hours of worry/anxiety about their new situation - even if she's not consciously "worrying" about him. Her worries may be about her future, her life, will she have kids, or will she find the right one? All of these questions can invoke feelings of frustration, abandonment, betrayal, and even apathy.
It is clear that a few days of worry do not mean that she will overreact toward him or blame the man she's dating for what is going on in her life. But, compound this experience by the 10 or even 20 men she's dated in the past, and eventually a woman can reach the boiling point and say: "enough is enough!" She may even begin to believe things like, "he's just not that into you."
Receiving this reaction, or even a negative "attitude," from a woman can be shocking to a man. He thinks, "I called, I was nice to her, I gave her what she asked for... why am I in trouble?" Men are often not aware of how a woman thinks because it's the opposite of how he thinks. In the three days since their date, she may have crossed his mind, but once something else that is equally or even more important crosses his radar screen, he focuses on that one thing. Most men think about things one at a time. He can't imagine her three days of worry because if he were worrying for three days, it would literally be all he could think about! As you can see, this simple difference becomes quite significant when you consider the consequences of the miscommunication it causes.
The end result of this is that our current experiences and our emotional reactions to them are a response to our past.
Events that caused you pain in the past, but were not fully resolved, solidify into your beliefs about people today. You can see this dramatically in people who have experienced a traumatic event, after which they will forevermore avoid the situation in which they were traumatized. People refuse to go to the dentist, fly on airplanes, and, in our world, even refuse to enter relationships. These painful memories color who we think people are in the world - and, unless they are dealt with, they will continue to affect our happiness.
We all have some elements of this in our life; no one is really free from carrying "baggage." It's the person who's carrying a whole cart full who we encourage to look at what is holding them back. Books like "He's Just Not That Into You" offer the perspective that many men are simply dating without a destination in mind - it's simply what they feel like doing at the moment. On some level, it has left readers with a litmus test for how to judge if a man has the potential to enter a relationship.
The truth is that your ability to attract a healthy relationship is always a byproduct of your own mental health. The more balanced you are, the more healthy people will be attracted to you. If on any level you feel that the people you attract to date are not of the same "mental health level" as you, then chances are that you may have some unfinished business from your past to deal with. The good news is that there are things you can do about this. Talking with an Ask Mars Venus Telephone Coach can help you identify what your real beliefs about men, women, and relationships are, and how you can attract more "relationship minded" people to your life. We can help you identify where you're stuck, and how the patterns in your life can be broken so you don't need to date the same type of people again. Remember that uncovering these patterns is the first step towards breaking them. We know this type of work can be hard, and we applaud your perseverance so far- it truly is the best indicator that, in your life, finding a loving, healthy relationship is a priority, and that it will become a reality for you! |
