Mars Venus
To Call or Not to Call

To Call or Not to Call ... That Is the Question!

Experts at teach that relationships are more successful when the man pursues the woman. Avid readers may take that advice and decide to play hard to get and follow a strict "No Contact" rule - that is, she will never call him - after all, he is supposed to chase her! This approach is risky at best. Even the most self-assured guy wants a little feedback from his date to know she's interested in him!

While the Mars Venus principles do discourage women from pursuing a man, we at find that this concept is occasionally misunderstood, with the notion that a woman must not contact a man, EVER. During the early dating stages, it is best to let the man initiate and be the pursuer, but the woman should learn ways to be receptive and responsive to his advances. This means initiating contact can actually be beneficial, as long as it is done in the right way.

You've just gone out on your first date. You've had a lovely evening - you're attracted to him, he seems to be attracted to you. As you part, he gives you a sweet kiss on the cheek and utters those dreaded words, "I'll call you." The next day finds you camped out by the phone, waiting - and the day after, and the day after. Meanwhile, he has shelled out for dinner at a nice restaurant and tried his hardest to be charming and sensitive and sincere. What do you think he's doing? In many cases, he's waiting for some indication from you that you had a nice time and would be interested in seeing him again. Yeah, I know he said he'd call YOU, but if he asked you out and paid for dinner, be polite and show your appreciation and interest by sending him an e-mail or a making a quick phone call to say "Thanks again for dinner. I had a great time!" Bonus points if you gush - just a little - about the great restaurant he chose, his knowledge of wine or his suggestion that you try the Artichoke Ravioli. The key is to keep the contact short and sweet.

If you've had several dates and all of a sudden you haven't heard from him in a while, you can also make contact. As long as he initiates the overwhelming majority of contact, a quick call or e-mail reassures him that you are still interested. It can ease your mind and re-spark his interest in your relationship. You should NOT call to ask him where he's been, where the relationship is going, or if he is seeing anyone else. You SHOULD call to remind him that he makes you happy or to make him feel like he has a purpose in your life. Try recalling a date that he took you on - "Oh, I just called because I had lunch at that little Italian place where you took me on our first date and it reminded me of how much fun I had that night. I had the Artichoke Ravioli again - it was delicious! Hope you're having a good week . . ." Or appeal to his sense of expertise or his inner Mr. Fix It by asking him to recommend a book or a movie or a CD. Or there's a weird noise coming from your engine, could he listen to it and tell you if it's serious? Or change your light bulbs or kill that evil spider in your bathroom...

Another reason to initiate contact is to acknowledge any major events going on in his life. If you heard he got promoted or fired or it's his birthday or his grandmother died or he was sick or injured or he has a big exam coming up - these are times to let him know you care. Ignoring these things under the guise of following a "rule" that doesn't even EXIST could cause permanent damage to your relationship. If your grandmother died, you'd expect your friends to show some interest and sympathy. So will he. Yes, give him space when he needs it - respecting needs is what someone who cares for another person would do. But not so much space that it appears that you don't care.

A relationship isn't a game where there are "Rules" - where the loser is the one who caves in first and picks up the phone. A relationship is about meeting each other's needs. The Mars Venus principles do advise against pursuing a man, but contact does not necessarily translate into pursuit. Unless of course you're sending him fifteen e-mails a day, calling hourly to "check in" and driving by his house two or three times a day. We call that contact stalking! An occasional initiation of contact can be beneficial to your dating relationship, as it will reassure him that you are interested in him and gives you a chance to show your admiration and appreciation for his presence in your life.

If you are wondering where to draw the line between casual contact and pursuing a relationship, an Ask Mars Venus coach can help. While advice from girlfriends, friends, and family can be affirming, often what is missing is the unbiased perspective about what has been proven to work in relationships. Mars Venus coaches are here to help you determine what your own blocks to finding love are. We then help you break down each block, one at a time, so you can begin to create the relationships you truly desire.

Do you have questions about this article? Do you need help understanding how this information can change your life? Talk to one of our expertly trained telephone coaches today and get the answers you are looking for. You can call from the privacy of any phone, and our operators are available to assist you with processing your call.

Call 1-888-627-7836 for details and a personal message from Dr. John Gray.


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